Getting Back to the Real You

Are you living a life where the people you love know what you like and love? If the answer is 'no,' it's time to reevaluate. When you're so focused on children, careers, goals, and partners it's easy to lose yourself. 

On today's episode of Black Girl Fly, we'll discuss why people lose themselves and how to get YOU back. Tashaunda gives a heart-to-heart on how she lost and found herself. 

Tell us on Instagram if you've ever lost yourself and remember you can do good things, but not the right things for you. Learn how to say 'no.'

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS
[:23] Introduction
[1:40] Are you Living You?
[9:10] Are you sacrificing too much?
[17:03] Think of Yourself and your Wellbeing 
[27:28] Summary

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Transcript

02;50;40;24 - 02;50;44;09

Speaker 1

Welcome back to another episode of Black Girl Fly. I'm Your Girl, Tanisha, Nicole.

02;50;44;09 - 02;50;45;10

Speaker 2

And I'm Tashaunda Dixon.

02;50;45;18 - 02;50;54;10

Speaker 1

And so today we are going to talk about getting back to yourself. I mean, and let me talk a little more recently, I was like.

02;50;54;10 - 02;50;56;10

Speaker 2

It seems a little out of the way. Come on.

02;50;57;04 - 02;51;11;14

Speaker 1

Let's go. Let's go out. So we all have those moments are those periods of phases in our lives where we look up in the mirror and we're like, Who is this person? Like we've lost our selves in. And I think.

02;51;11;14 - 02;51;24;02

Speaker 2

It's so easy to do, especially for women. Like women just I mean, I think by nature, we're just always like givers and we give out so much, and then we kind of sometimes only room for ourselves.

02;51;24;08 - 02;51;40;19

Speaker 1

And then I would even add, even within our goals, we get so caught up, caught up like tunnel vision on what we're trying to achieve that we don't take the time to stop, smell the roses and see how we're doing.

02;51;40;23 - 02;51;43;16

Speaker 2

Okay, so you have lots of audience. How we got to this conversation, though.

02;51;43;29 - 02;51;46;24

Speaker 3

How like break it down, lay it down?

02;51;46;25 - 02;51;49;26

Speaker 2

Well, I would say about so I was literally in the delivery room.

02;51;50;23 - 02;51;54;07

Speaker 3

Literally there's seven I.

02;51;54;22 - 02;51;58;16

Speaker 2

Push it out, push it at this point.

02;51;58;20 - 02;52;24;00

Speaker 1

But, yes, but we have this, you know, heart to heart moment. We were playing this this game called the and I think it started from this YouTube Web series or this YouTube creator group where they have people really thinking about like life's hard questions. And so they have this game that I was gifted where you can just ask people these hard questions, right, that we don't talk about normally.

02;52;24;06 - 02;52;41;14

Speaker 1

And so in that, though, I don't remember what the exact question was, but this kind of question was something about like what? Well, I remember one of them was like, what is your ideal vacation? Yeah. Yeah. And her partner and I were in the room.

02;52;42;01 - 02;52;45;07

Speaker 2

Now, get this, though. This is my partner and my sister.

02;52;45;12 - 02;52;46;13

Speaker 1

Like we've known her.

02;52;47;20 - 02;52;48;20

Speaker 2

In my whole life.

02;52;49;04 - 02;52;51;09

Speaker 1

We've known, amazingly, her entire life.

02;52;51;11 - 02;52;52;10

Speaker 3

Oh, yes.

02;52;53;14 - 02;52;59;12

Speaker 1

But we did not know the answer to that question. And I thought it was so obvious.

02;52;59;12 - 02;53;14;01

Speaker 2

I was like, How did you guys know this? And so then we started talking and they were like, Well, honestly, I've only been on vacation with you twice. Exactly. Yeah. And by the way, and so my partner was like, Yeah, I've only been like twice. And the last one. You're real pregnant.

02;53;15;01 - 02;53;17;06

Speaker 3

You didn't do anything. Yeah.

02;53;17;25 - 02;53;40;02

Speaker 2

And so, like, that was like an aha moment, right? Like. Like, dude, these are the people that I love the most in life, like, and they have no idea. And then I was like, so am I really, like, living me? Am I living in a way that I am transparent? That the things that I enjoy are transparent, that the things that are important to me are transparent.

02;53;40;11 - 02;53;42;07

Speaker 2

And I guess the answer was no.

02;53;42;25 - 02;54;02;16

Speaker 1

The answer is obviously no. But I want to add to that what you're saying. Is it trans parent? Like, it becomes transparent because you're doing it right. And so the question that I had asked her in that moment, I was like, well, the last beach vacation, right? Her answer was beach. And like, she had this whole illustration.

02;54;02;21 - 02;54;05;08

Speaker 3

Yeah. So I love the ocean. So this is.

02;54;05;08 - 02;54;23;20

Speaker 2

Why it was so weird to me, because every time I go on vacation, I, like, literally sit out of the ocean for hours and I just stare out to it because. Okay, I'll. I'll share with you guys. But like, the ocean just reminds me of how huge the world is. And it's just the staring out at the endless water.

02;54;24;01 - 02;54;33;09

Speaker 2

You could just see that it goes on and on and on forever. And so that reminds me that there's so much more out there. So I have this whole philosophy and I'm like, How would you guys know best?

02;54;33;19 - 02;54;40;05

Speaker 1

And the reason we don't know is because the last beach vacation I went out with our was in 2015.

02;54;40;13 - 02;54;42;16

Speaker 3

Yeah, seven years ago.

02;54;42;19 - 02;54;47;04

Speaker 1

So and that was. Yeah. Yeah.

02;54;47;23 - 02;55;06;15

Speaker 2

So I can say, but in the last I have gone to like three or four other woods, but when I went by myself with the kids and so I stayed there and then what I went with Charles and what I was pregnant. So, I mean, yeah, so I think it's easy to get lost, but but I think that what that showed is that there's a greater miss.

02;55;06;15 - 02;55;21;19

Speaker 2

Right. That, that what we were saying earlier is that when you are living life, when you're so focused on your goals, your children or your partners or your career or all of those things, it's easy to lose you.

02;55;22;20 - 02;55;44;04

Speaker 1

Yeah, that's very true. That is so true. I'm like in you forget. You forget is almost like you forget yourself. Yeah. I mean, you've like deprioritized the things that fill you up. Right. And it just gets lower and lower and lower and lower and lower on the list.

02;55;44;12 - 02;55;48;01

Speaker 2

And so would you say that you did stop fill yourself up in general.

02;55;49;04 - 02;55;59;01

Speaker 1

I mean, I would hope as humans you find other ways. But I think that it's more like, you know, a patch job.

02;55;59;07 - 02;55;59;14

Speaker 3

Yeah.

02;55;59;27 - 02;56;09;13

Speaker 1

Yeah. It's it's not filling you up in the way, right? In the fullness of another way. And so so let's talk about what happened after.

02;56;09;18 - 02;56;12;04

Speaker 3

After we had a conversation.

02;56;12;04 - 02;56;32;01

Speaker 1

In the hospital. So the next I'm going to say the next thing that I remember, but I feel like there was one more thing in between. So the next thing I realized that I had already planned a vacation to Puerto Rico in January. Yes, you.

02;56;32;01 - 02;56;34;04

Speaker 2

Did. Yeah. Sorry, we can't do this now.

02;56;34;05 - 02;56;53;09

Speaker 1

So I had booked it. Right. Flights booked. The hotel is booked, but I had booked the hotel and I ordered a second bed in there because I was like, oh, I don't know, somebody might want to come with me or whatever. But then it hit me. I was like, Oh, let me invite to Shonda. I have a buddy pass.

02;56;53;09 - 02;56;59;09

Speaker 1

I've already purchased the room. Let me ask her. She said she wants these beach.

02;56;59;09 - 02;57;00;29

Speaker 3

Vacations in her life.

02;57;01;19 - 02;57;19;13

Speaker 1

And so we talked and I was like, Hey, you know, you should hire my Alex. I mean, I'll expenses. I mean, you know, I had to pay for some expenses, but, you know, the bulk of the cost is already taken care of. Yeah, I heard the reaction was, no, I can't. I have a newborn infant. This is what we do.

02;57;19;13 - 02;57;21;04

Speaker 1

Your last days.

02;57;21;04 - 02;57;24;26

Speaker 2

And it was the sad part is guys it was literally like a few minutes later.

02;57;25;00 - 02;57;27;09

Speaker 3

Like literally.

02;57;27;18 - 02;57;32;26

Speaker 1

Within days of that initial conversation, the realization and I was like, what?

02;57;33;04 - 02;57;33;15

Speaker 3

Like.

02;57;34;03 - 02;57;35;18

Speaker 1

This is literally what you said.

02;57;35;25 - 02;57;40;08

Speaker 2

But then she had to go back to my partner was like, Hey, did you hear what she just said? He was like, You're going.

02;57;40;20 - 02;57;49;17

Speaker 1

Yeah, it's crazy. The things that that we that we rationalize in ourselves and like when we're when we're lost.

02;57;49;22 - 02;58;04;04

Speaker 2

For me, though, to it, that was like just hearing you say it. It was like I have naturally deprioritized myself over so many other things. Like, there are tons of things that you like. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. But nothing for me.

02;58;04;23 - 02;58;22;15

Speaker 1

But in the same breath or an in recent episode, you were also saying how you have so much support that you kind of live. I do. So we got to reconcile. Yeah. It's like what we tell ourselves and what we're thinking versus the reality. Yeah. So like, yeah, well.

02;58;22;20 - 02;58;27;27

Speaker 2

I also feel like I'd still do my own stuff better than other people do it. So that's another struggle.

02;58;27;27 - 02;58;29;09

Speaker 3

That is, yes, I can.

02;58;29;09 - 02;58;39;18

Speaker 2

Leave my kids with my partner, but his watching is different from my watch. It is, you know. And so I think that part of it is I struggle with that too, like the quality of.

02;58;40;10 - 02;58;41;10

Speaker 3

What's going to happen.

02;58;41;10 - 02;58;42;25

Speaker 1

I guess they're going to be fine.

02;58;42;26 - 02;58;45;03

Speaker 2

They will because I decided I was neglected.

02;58;45;22 - 02;58;46;15

Speaker 3

Exactly.

02;58;46;18 - 02;58;53;22

Speaker 1

Always tell her that I'm like, if we made it out okay. Anything. Anything that you can do.

02;58;54;06 - 02;59;02;21

Speaker 2

We are not telling you. So we use your children. We are not tell you to look like your children. Where you say if you're being hard on yourself, probably go off. Be so hard on yourself.

02;59;02;22 - 02;59;38;14

Speaker 1

Exactly. They're greater people who had less. I can promise and guarantee that. So. So, yes, I, I think that that was a beautiful example. It just illustrate this, this idea like holding out right, right before our eyes and so, so yeah. So what would I say? What would I say to you? I'm like, I think that I would I would ask you to like look at your life right now in like what?

02;59;39;01 - 02;59;46;24

Speaker 1

What is it that you are sacrificing, right? What are you saying yes to to say no to something else? Yeah. And you're so you know.

02;59;46;24 - 03;00;19;02

Speaker 2

When you say that I thought our culture so we we worked on this we haven't yet published it, but we worked on this kind of like this guidebook to life and what we said was that you are the sum of all the things that you do. And and I think that what I hear you in this, even is that you have to always calibrate that are the things that I spend my time on really reflective of who I am, what I want, where I'm going, and what I believe in all those.

03;00;19;10 - 03;00;38;03

Speaker 2

And I think that you can't leave yourself out, if you will, that that you always have to calibrate, like like am I doing all the things that I to do? You percentages makes it like how you spend your day. Does that make sense for all of you that you say you hope that you see that you are that you say that you believe.

03;00;38;12 - 03;00;43;25

Speaker 1

And yeah, I love that we need that we need to expound upon that in the.

03;00;43;28 - 03;00;44;12

Speaker 3

Guide.

03;00;46;04 - 03;00;47;21

Speaker 2

And eventually publish it. But yes.

03;00;47;21 - 03;00;50;22

Speaker 3

Yes, we will. Absolutely will.

03;00;51;00 - 03;00;53;13

Speaker 1

If it I mean, it is a great guide. I have.

03;00;53;13 - 03;00;56;18

Speaker 3

To say.

03;00;56;25 - 03;01;17;02

Speaker 1

What else could see it. Yeah. So we'll get that out here so you can really, really dove in here and I guess I'll share something that I'm, that I'm dealing with too right now is but I'm I mentioned that I'm really hyper focused on my business and I got an invitation this weekend to go to this psycho yoga retreat.

03;01;17;08 - 03;01;45;00

Speaker 1

Okay. For those of you who don't know, like I love yoga. Like I used used to go at least two, three, maybe four times a week. And for me, it is a spiritual practice as much as it is just like a wellness and health practice. Yeah. And so, you know, when I, when I get hyperfocus focused on a goal, I exercise is the first thing to usually go for me.

03;01;45;07 - 03;02;13;16

Speaker 1

It's like it just gives me priorities is really a mental hurdle to even start to do it. And then I just don't feel like dealing with that mental hurdle. And so, I mean, so I had been out of the game for a few months and recently I started back with my own yoga practice at home, which I in all the years that I've been doing yoga, which is at least 15 years, I mean like 13, 14 years.

03;02;13;16 - 03;02;19;12

Speaker 1

I never done my own yoga practice. Really? Never. Oh, well, I never, I guess trusting myself.

03;02;20;01 - 03;02;20;08

Speaker 3

With.

03;02;20;08 - 03;02;36;15

Speaker 1

That. But I recently started doing this and I've been thoroughly enjoying it. Right. And so I get this invite to this yoga retreat and I'm like, my first instinct was to say no. Right? Well, I was like.

03;02;36;23 - 03;02;39;15

Speaker 3

I don't get tired of we go on.

03;02;39;15 - 03;02;41;29

Speaker 1

A yoga retreat, you know, Saturday I can do.

03;02;41;29 - 03;02;42;19

Speaker 2

Yoga in my living.

03;02;42;19 - 03;03;07;26

Speaker 1

Room. Right. I could do this. I was though we have high reporting that day, like I'm going to be doing some work, like, you know what I mean? I, I don't have time to do this. And so, but the person who invited me, I like she's so cool. Like I want to continue developing our relationship. So ultimately I decided to go for those reasons and I was like, This yoga is going to be a bonus.

03;03;09;22 - 03;03;30;29

Speaker 1

But like even that thought process is like not centering self. And so like I had to just check myself on, on this and even just sharing this with y'all right now, like in what ways are we tricking ourselves to, like, not value? Yeah.

03;03;31;10 - 03;03;53;17

Speaker 2

You know what I actually so I work for Friday off I could say the day or not, but it was one where you start off part time and then you wanted to work to become full time. And the thing that reminded me of is there used to be a say there is that you can't use the reason that you're doing this as the excuse as to why you're not doing it.

03;03;53;27 - 03;03;55;05

Speaker 1

To the extent. Mhm.

03;03;55;28 - 03;04;13;13

Speaker 2

And so we, we get people in who would say I'm doing this for my kids, we need extra money. When they started off this, they're gung ho and they would, it would become a late night. They say, I can't do this because I'm neglecting my kids. And so it was like my editor at the time. He was like, you cannot use that.

03;04;13;13 - 03;04;36;05

Speaker 2

You you have to figure out what you're sold out for. And it know that your reason and effectively your excuse. And so it's so funny that you say that because I think that that is a lot about what you what you explain, what you've experience is what we understand, what's most important to us. We use those as our guiding principles of selecting what we will.

03;04;36;05 - 03;04;41;12

Speaker 2

We won't view and we use those same colleagues. Yeah. As a user of that doing it.

03;04;41;23 - 03;04;49;04

Speaker 1

So that's right on point. Like the reason that I started a business is because I want to have freedom of my time.

03;04;49;18 - 03;04;51;01

Speaker 3

And the reason I was.

03;04;51;01 - 03;04;53;16

Speaker 1

Saying no to this is.

03;04;54;16 - 03;04;57;24

Speaker 3

I don't have the time.

03;04;57;24 - 03;05;04;22

Speaker 1

And so I don't know exactly. I need to process that a bit more, but I find that so fascinating and.

03;05;04;22 - 03;05;13;22

Speaker 2

People do it all the time in in almost every relationship that I had in that business, I encountered that. And I was like, Oh my God, this is crazy. Everyone does that.

03;05;13;23 - 03;05;23;09

Speaker 1

And that's deep. Yeah. I'm curious as to what the audience would say. Like, what's your excuse? What would you say your excuse is about this beach bag case?

03;05;23;11 - 03;05;24;14

Speaker 2

My kids all the time.

03;05;24;14 - 03;05;30;26

Speaker 1

Is the kids. The kids. So you want to be well in your self to be a better mom?

03;05;31;03 - 03;05;37;20

Speaker 2

More present. More present. And quite frankly, I'm not as present if I'm stressed out, homesick, if I'll do it, all those things. So I have to be welfare.

03;05;37;20 - 03;05;40;11

Speaker 1

So like you don't want to quote unquote.

03;05;40;21 - 03;05;41;12

Speaker 2

Do those the.

03;05;41;13 - 03;05;46;07

Speaker 1

Neglect then. Yeah, yeah. To, to be well to leave them with the person.

03;05;46;07 - 03;05;48;23

Speaker 3

That you had them with who's.

03;05;49;08 - 03;05;50;28

Speaker 1

Completely capable. You would be.

03;05;50;28 - 03;05;52;01

Speaker 3

Good. Yes.

03;05;52;20 - 03;05;53;21

Speaker 2

You're capable.

03;05;53;29 - 03;05;55;10

Speaker 3

You know.

03;05;55;10 - 03;05;56;21

Speaker 2

He does listen to the podcast.

03;05;57;07 - 03;05;59;21

Speaker 3

Okay.

03;05;59;21 - 03;06;14;22

Speaker 1

They're terrible. Terrible. So I'm wondering, are there any other ways in which you felt like you lost yourself? Any examples of times where you were able to come back to self that would be helpful for the audience.

03;06;14;29 - 03;06;24;00

Speaker 2

Yeah. Oh, my God. There's so many. So okay, so lost by self lost or so I've lost myself many times.

03;06;24;03 - 03;06;25;05

Speaker 3

You owe.

03;06;25;05 - 03;06;25;24

Speaker 1

Me to.

03;06;25;24 - 03;06;32;16

Speaker 2

Me. And I would say that it always came at the care of someone else. Mm. That.

03;06;33;02 - 03;06;34;11

Speaker 1

Yeah. You're very selfless.

03;06;34;11 - 03;06;45;04

Speaker 2

Yes. That I will do for others before, I will do for myself and I've done it over and over again. And so those would be areas where I think.

03;06;45;04 - 03;06;49;08

Speaker 1

Where do you think that comes from?

03;06;49;08 - 03;07;25;15

Speaker 2

You ever heard of like the, like you could be doing good things, but they're not the right things. Mm. Yeah. So I think I was kind of trained to, to do good things. I used air quotes for you guys that, that there are so many good things you should always do the good things that are available. And I really think at the heart, but if that I wasn't trained to understand that there are things that are right for you, that are right for the moment, that are right for the people around you, that are right for the people.

03;07;25;16 - 03;07;44;10

Speaker 2

It be like sometimes it is a good thing to help people, but that's not what they need to get them through. And so I think that I have the majority of my life always forsaking myself to do the the good a way, not necessarily the right.

03;07;44;10 - 03;08;15;07

Speaker 1

That's a great example. That reminded me something that what our church is currently dealing with. Yeah. So we go to this church, Presbyterian Church has been around since 1800s. It has a long history of, you know, a lot a lot of good, a lot of bad things. But, you know, at different points throughout history, it was vibrant and, you know, had drama like came back.

03;08;15;19 - 03;08;53;29

Speaker 1

But the state that is in now is one of I mean, I kind of want to say revival like they've had this, you know, a lot of members have have passed on and the the congregation is aging, the population is decreased. Decreased. I'm and it's pretty homogenous and the majority of the church and so they find themselves and like they we find ourselves like trying to do all of the same things that that they did as a church when it looked very different.

03;08;54;05 - 03;08;58;13

Speaker 1

Right. Like when they were in their their younger years and.

03;08;58;14 - 03;08;58;28

Speaker 2

There were.

03;08;59;04 - 03;09;01;19

Speaker 1

There were 200 more people.

03;09;01;20 - 03;09;02;03

Speaker 2

That more.

03;09;02;03 - 03;09;29;00

Speaker 1

Big. There were kids and there were right like things looked so different. So they still want to do those good things, right. But those are not all of those things are things that are serving people because they're not able to do it with the right volume. They're not able to do it with the right heart or the right perspective.

03;09;29;13 - 03;09;52;20

Speaker 1

Right. And so you to your example, like all of these, quote unquote, good things aren't actually doing good if they're not coming from the right place. Right. Like if you've lost yourself and now you're just doing these things to do them, it doesn't have the same impact as if you were being more intentional and like doing it from an overflowing cup.

03;09;52;20 - 03;10;06;23

Speaker 1

Right. And so so yeah. I mean, I thought that was a really good parallel example of, you know, people trying to do good things, but the result actually isn't the good. Well, I would.

03;10;06;23 - 03;10;25;24

Speaker 2

Say it's not just the result either, but I mean, it's negatively impacted the who's supposed to be the giver, right? Yeah. And so I think that even makes it harder is it's not good for the giver and it's not good for the receiver either. But you do it in this day of doing it.

03;10;26;00 - 03;10;53;04

Speaker 1

Doing good in the name of goodness. Yes, in the name of this. But so that's that's a wild concept to think of. And so I guess I'm wondering from from you as a person who's more selfless, like, what would it look like to do good things from a different place? Right. Like, I think you're always going to be doing good things.

03;10;53;04 - 03;11;02;03

Speaker 1

Like that's just hardwired into you. But I guess I wonder, how do you do it from a full place rather than like a selfless place?

03;11;02;03 - 03;11;38;03

Speaker 2

So yeah, so I have a couple of rules now. One is I have to admit that even sometimes when I was doing good before, there was a voice in my head that said I probably should do it. And so a more aware of that voice and I'm quicker to say no from from hearing from that voice. So that probably the first thing that I think of that the other thing is I'm more aware of where I am and what I have and what I don't have.

03;11;39;14 - 03;12;03;03

Speaker 2

So like when I don't have it, I'm like, no, I don't. I don't have it. And it's not just that. Like I used to say, I have it, but it was something else and give it up something else to me now that I don't have it. Yeah, I don't have it because I haven't played with that. I'm not that probably my plan right for that because I am now technically impacted myself.

03;12;03;07 - 03;12;31;01

Speaker 2

Right. In order to give to you. So that's another place. I think those are probably the biggest two places for me is it's I have to be bored too with what I eat, who I am and what I believe before. I'm willing to to do good air quotes. Oh, that I wasn't as a controller before. I think I also did it because I wanted to be liked and that like it.

03;12;31;01 - 03;12;34;00

Speaker 2

I have a new friend but perceived as good.

03;12;34;21 - 03;12;36;07

Speaker 1

Well interesting.

03;12;36;11 - 03;13;00;06

Speaker 2

I cared a lot about people see be as good person. Mm. And I don't know that I've ever expressed that to anyone, but it's always been sort of like filtered in my head. Like if I do this, I'm a good person, right? If I do this, people will see me as a good person, right? And now I could care less.

03;13;01;03 - 03;13;02;05

Speaker 3

Though I would like.

03;13;02;05 - 03;13;15;06

Speaker 2

I seriously, I was having this conversation with my father. This is going to get real personal, but we talk about relationships and family and my father was getting chubby. He's like, you don't call your family enough. And I'm like the same family that does. He called.

03;13;15;06 - 03;13;15;21

Speaker 3

Me.

03;13;17;17 - 03;13;43;15

Speaker 2

And he was like, you know, family's important. And he really believes that. And and I better point my life where I recognize that family is kind of who you make your family to something I did that there are people who really care for you, who exert a certain amount of energy to check on you, to think about you, who who will give you the time if necessary.

03;13;43;23 - 03;14;17;12

Speaker 2

And that's not always your blood relative. And so I was excited to have that. Hey, and by the way, I do I finally started to listen now because he told my family about the podcast. But that's expected to of that. Hey, you know I have people who Abitibi quarter who have I told you the story about me going to Texas and my partner sister took care of me I was pregnant and she like could be bills and she let me sleep in her bed and she slept on the couch and I was blown away by her action because I had never done anything for her my entire life.

03;14;17;12 - 03;14;41;00

Speaker 2

And I've done it for quite the time. Like, like, like when I say this, I've been nice to her, but I never give it to her in that way. But I was blown away. I was like, I can't believe I came to town. And this woman who owes me absolutely nothing, put herself aside and said, Let me care for this person, that I think that she needs it and I'm going to give that to her.

03;14;41;16 - 03;15;08;13

Speaker 2

And and in it, I actually I had a similar circumstance with a family member, and they felt like I owed them and that I was supposed to do certain things in order to be treated well. And that for me was a bipolar experience. And needless to say, that family that I had depended on, I had done substantial things for and they didn't reciprocate that.

03;15;08;13 - 03;15;28;02

Speaker 2

I was so devastated. I was like, Oh my God. Not only did I think because we were family, they would automatically do that now. We did. I think because I had done for them that they would do that. Not only do I think that because we were friends that they would care for me, none of that was true.

03;15;28;02 - 03;15;52;18

Speaker 2

And so going back to that, I to explaining that I now understand that who I am comfortable with it, what I believe in, how I view myself, should be based on how I feel about what I do and what I know my motives are, what my values are and what my goals are, what my mission is and and all of these things.

03;15;53;00 - 03;16;09;12

Speaker 2

And I don't necessarily look for the external validation that I used to look for, and that's made a huge difference in my life, quite frankly. I've been able to let go of things that I considered to be more of shackles before. Like, I was like, I have to do this. I have to I have to answer my dad's phone call.

03;16;09;12 - 03;16;23;29

Speaker 2

I have to spend time doing the things that he wants me to do. I have to do those things. And then I was like, Wait a minute, why? Why, why do I feel this way? And what benefit has this had to my life? And when I set out and I thought about it, I was like, It hasn't had a bit of it.

03;16;25;05 - 03;16;43;22

Speaker 2

Yeah, I may be perceived as a good person, by the way. They'll say people who I would perceive me as a good person based out of. I put it all out there, guys, based on something my sister said, they all think I'm a horrible person anyway. And what Matthew said isn't even true. But my sister never even had a conversation with me to know what's true and what's not true.

03;16;44;09 - 03;16;45;14

Speaker 1

That's not me. Yeah.

03;16;45;25 - 03;16;46;23

Speaker 3

Yeah. This is Dave.

03;16;46;24 - 03;17;07;24

Speaker 2

Yes. So just so I'm saying that what I had to realize is that how people perceive you, there's so many external forces that could have that, and you put it way to yourself to please them, to be perceived a certain way. Is that added value at all? Because the wind could blow and that'll change, right? So yeah, that.

03;17;07;24 - 03;17;33;11

Speaker 1

Was a lot. Yeah, I mean I don't even want to add much more to that, but I do want to tie it back to what we're talking about, this idea of losing self, like what are we losing ourselves to like? Is it the perception to gain the perception of others right? Like what is the cost of that. Oh yeah.

03;17;33;16 - 03;17;48;05

Speaker 1

And, and how long can you endure it. And so, so yeah, I think that was a fabulous example. And I mean, I thank you for her sharing that and being vulnerable. Yeah, that is. That's real.

03;17;48;23 - 03;17;51;07

Speaker 2

It is. And I hope that my family hears.

03;17;51;07 - 03;17;54;28

Speaker 1

This.

03;17;54;28 - 03;18;20;00

Speaker 2

But and I do other things. I don't know. It's for my family, by the way, anyway, is I love I love people I love the people that I've always loved. But I have a lovely board and and I acknowledge that because and I tell my father, I have so much more to live for. I'm not living for the people that we're wrapping or my family anymore or that extended family.

03;18;20;08 - 03;18;34;21

Speaker 2

But I have children to live for. I have my self to live where I have goals with, where I have a legacy that I want to live for. And so I have to I had to it my it's figure out how to choose myself first and it was necessary.

03;18;35;26 - 03;18;46;11

Speaker 1

Yeah. I think that's yeah yeah this is the this my you know known her whole life. But I would always say that you are the nicest person that I know.

03;18;46;11 - 03;18;47;27

Speaker 2

I tell you, you said that a billion times.

03;18;47;27 - 03;19;13;09

Speaker 1

Everybody I know knows this. You are the nicest person I know. But what I'm also saying in that is that she's so nice. I have to protect her because people will take advantage. Yeah. And so there is this phrase or this concept of being nice versus being kind and I think now you're a kind person.

03;19;13;16 - 03;19;13;24

Speaker 3

Yeah.

03;19;14;09 - 03;19;37;12

Speaker 1

You do good things when you know, when it's the good thing to do, right. You know, in a way that doesn't sacrifice yourself, but nice people do the things, the quote unquote good things when it's not good for them. Yeah. And so I think that that's really in an important shift. And I'm I'm really proud of you for that because it's, you know, I know I know your story a little bit.

03;19;38;07 - 03;19;43;24

Speaker 1

So so I know what it's taken for you to get here and just really proud of you.

03;19;44;13 - 03;19;58;15

Speaker 2

Yeah, but ultimately I feel better. I'm less burdened than I've ever been, and I feel like I'm actually living my life and not my life. But what else. Yeah.

03;20;00;17 - 03;20;04;17

Speaker 1

So on that note, folks.

03;20;04;17 - 03;20;06;09

Speaker 2

Give me to go that deep. But we did.

03;20;06;19 - 03;20;07;05

Speaker 1

Well, I.

03;20;07;05 - 03;20;12;08

Speaker 2

Hope you guys understand. It could relate to our story, though, because I don't think it's a good story.

03;20;12;15 - 03;20;35;10

Speaker 1

Yeah, I agree. I think I think many of us are dealing with this same thing. You know, I'm not nice, but I mean, I can relate in different ways for sure. The approval of others has been something that I struggle with for a long time as well. And so so guys. And until next time we got to continue this.

03;20;35;10 - 03;20;35;21

Speaker 2

Can't even.

03;20;35;21 - 03;20;38;00

Speaker 3

Get it. Never say.

03;20;38;04 - 03;20;42;02

Speaker 1

It later, but until next time I am you girls nation Nicole.

03;20;42;03 - 03;20;43;29

Speaker 2

And our chat addiction and we are.

03;20;43;29 - 03;20;58;16

Speaker 4

Black Girl five.