Mom Friends

Moms tend to do most of the invisible work, such as taking care of children, cleaning, cooking, etc. With work and invisible work, who has time for friends?!

On today's episode of Black Girl Fly, Tenisha and Taushanda discuss the importance of mom friends, but also the realities of balancing work, life, children, and self-care.  Who has time for it all? Should we prioritize friends, adding to the responsibilities of each day?

Join the conversation on Instagram and let us know what's going on with your mom friends, your friends friends, and your acquaintances @blackgirlflyofficial

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS
[:23] Introduction
[:55] Why Don't you Have Mom Friends 
[5:53] Can your Kids just be Friends
[9:02] Ramifications of Having One Child
[13:17] It Can be Tough for Stay at Home Moms
[21:58] Associates vs. Friends
[26:17] Takeaways

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Email: hello@podcast2impact.com
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Transcript

00;00;22;01 - 00;00;25;21
Speaker 1
Welcome back to another episode of Black Girl. I'm Your Girl Tenisha Nichole.

00;00;25;21 - 00;00;26;16
Speaker 2
And I’m Tashaunda Dixon

00;00;27;03 - 00;00;27;16
Speaker 3
And.

00;00;27;16 - 00;00;38;09
Speaker 1
Sunday Live. It's an interesting topic here. We not only talking about mom friends, but I just want to preface this conversation by saying I have none.

00;00;38;14 - 00;00;38;27
Speaker 2
That's actually.

00;00;38;27 - 00;00;50;12
Speaker 1
Saying no. I've actually been watching a lot of movies about mom friends. There's actually a movie called Mom. Oh, Boy, so it's out. But I've been watching a lot, so I'm totally prepared for this conversation.

00;00;50;21 - 00;00;51;05
Speaker 2
Because I don't.

00;00;51;05 - 00;00;51;28
Speaker 3
Know that I know.

00;00;53;01 - 00;00;58;10
Speaker 1
But break it down for people. Why don't you have mom friend?

00;00;58;10 - 00;01;12;26
Speaker 2
Because it comes with too much. Like, come on now. I've got a family, I got a job. I got, like, my own thing, right? Like, how do you have time for these mom friends? They want to do play date. They want to call you. They want to talk about stuff.

00;01;13;16 - 00;01;16;10
Speaker 3
I don't have time to that.

00;01;16;20 - 00;01;18;21
Speaker 1
I find this quite hilarious.

00;01;20;01 - 00;01;20;12
Speaker 3
But I.

00;01;20;12 - 00;01;23;14
Speaker 2
Get it. She keeps telling me that I need to have some mammograms.

00;01;23;22 - 00;01;24;15
Speaker 3
Why?

00;01;24;15 - 00;01;29;02
Speaker 1
Because they actually have all of the same stuff going on that you do.

00;01;29;05 - 00;01;32;05
Speaker 2
No, no. So they might, but most of them fake.

00;01;33;13 - 00;01;35;27
Speaker 3
Well, I would put it out there.

00;01;35;27 - 00;01;41;00
Speaker 2
Put it out there right now, ladies. You know this, right? Like you always get around these women and be like, oh, my.

00;01;41;00 - 00;01;42;02
Speaker 3
Life is perfect.

00;01;42;18 - 00;01;43;18
Speaker 1
My later teens.

00;01;43;21 - 00;01;46;00
Speaker 3
Say that in real life. Yes, they do.

00;01;46;10 - 00;01;56;09
Speaker 2
But they they they try to say it to where they're not really saying it. Right. So they'll be like, yes, we're really struggling with pre-calculus. My second grader.

00;01;56;09 - 00;01;57;11
Speaker 3
You know, we took her to.

00;01;57;11 - 00;02;00;18
Speaker 2
Spain and she only spoke like three sentences.

00;02;01;27 - 00;02;05;14
Speaker 3
I like it in my face. That's that's what I'm thinking.

00;02;06;18 - 00;02;11;15
Speaker 1
Then you just hit them back with the F work, you know?

00;02;11;15 - 00;02;27;02
Speaker 2
But I think it's a real thing to talk about. So we we, we mentioned before in my past episodes about mom guilt and all that stuff, right? But I just feel like it's really hard to have a relationship where people respect that you don't always have time with them, that you can't always talk to them.

00;02;27;10 - 00;02;27;24
Speaker 1
Right.

00;02;28;05 - 00;02;32;15
Speaker 2
And that they allow you to come in and out and just be present when you are.

00;02;33;02 - 00;02;41;02
Speaker 1
I just feel like that should be on the top of the list for all my friends. Why do you suspect it's not? Because I hadn't tried to have some friends.

00;02;41;02 - 00;02;42;07
Speaker 3
And they expected too much.

00;02;44;12 - 00;02;49;20
Speaker 3
You're like, we want to be acquaintances level only, except perhaps because you guys are.

00;02;49;20 - 00;02;55;08
Speaker 2
Getting all the shot that day, because I just came from a kid's birthday party, so I'm really feeling this topic. Great, great.

00;02;55;25 - 00;03;11;13
Speaker 1
Israel. Israel is so and so. You're saying, though, that there needs to be different levels. We need acquaintance level. Yes. And then we meet like friend level and then we meet like best friend level. And you think everybody trying to be at that best friend or.

00;03;11;17 - 00;03;21;15
Speaker 2
Or like the level below? Like, I think that's a lot still too. Yeah. Like, like especially. Okay. My kids just the age even even when I'm just talking about my first set, my first.

00;03;21;15 - 00;03;22;19
Speaker 1
Set versus first.

00;03;22;28 - 00;03;44;11
Speaker 2
What they ate tomorrow. And the other is six years, just six. And at this point in time, I'm juggling two of them, right? So I have double classes, double whatever. So I'm following the email trade, you know, the activities, the field trips, the birthday parties, the stuff where I do with them on their own, like decorating their house.

00;03;44;11 - 00;03;48;09
Speaker 2
But this weekend were decorating our house for Halloween. Like, it's a.

00;03;48;09 - 00;03;53;15
Speaker 1
Lot and it's the low. I was talking to designer the other day yesterday I think I.

00;03;53;15 - 00;03;54;15
Speaker 3
Found is.

00;03;54;19 - 00;03;57;16
Speaker 1
She was like I forgot to get cupcakes.

00;03;57;16 - 00;03;59;29
Speaker 3
So let's go okay.

00;04;00;05 - 00;04;00;15
Speaker 1
For her.

00;04;00;15 - 00;04;03;22
Speaker 3
Kids. Right. So let me be clear, though.

00;04;04;01 - 00;04;09;20
Speaker 2
I was planning the actual celebration and I was like, oh, man, I forgot to let her celebrate her class.

00;04;10;08 - 00;04;13;20
Speaker 1
It's like, what the like. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot.

00;04;14;00 - 00;04;16;21
Speaker 2
And I feel like people just don't give you that grace.

00;04;16;27 - 00;04;18;11
Speaker 1
No, we don't. We?

00;04;18;16 - 00;04;18;29
Speaker 2
That is so.

00;04;18;29 - 00;04;29;11
Speaker 3
Selfish. I'm sorry, but I blame feminism. So you go with it. I believe you. Feminist, but.

00;04;29;22 - 00;04;31;27
Speaker 1
Making us do all this stuff we.

00;04;32;03 - 00;04;35;16
Speaker 2
Just have. So you guys got to check it out. Back in the past, we say you can't do it all.

00;04;35;18 - 00;04;36;04
Speaker 3
You kidding?

00;04;36;08 - 00;04;45;19
Speaker 2
So I'm telling you guys that I cannot be your best friend and be a good mom and be a good whatever my career is and be good to me.

00;04;46;02 - 00;04;50;04
Speaker 1
Right. But I guess my question is, why do you feel like you have to be?

00;04;51;08 - 00;04;58;27
Speaker 3
Because you feminism is that big. Oh, yeah. I mean, historically, I.

00;04;58;27 - 00;05;07;07
Speaker 2
Think that people inherently you want to be good at everything, like at least the things that you spend your time doing. You don't wanna be like, I admit I'm a failure.

00;05;07;07 - 00;05;10;22
Speaker 3
I admit I suck at this. Come on, now.

00;05;10;22 - 00;05;25;07
Speaker 1
I can see that. I'm like, but. So we talked before about your pie chart and things like that. So if perhaps like, are there just too many things on your part pie chart of where you I'm sure there are you want to be good at like.

00;05;25;08 - 00;05;36;27
Speaker 2
I'm sure there are but I have narrowed it down to things that I think are necessities like I have to be good at my career, I have to be a good partner. I have to be a good mother.

00;05;36;27 - 00;05;39;12
Speaker 3
Like I have to do those.

00;05;40;22 - 00;05;47;01
Speaker 2
So I guess what I, what I, what I cut off my list. I can't be a good friend.

00;05;47;01 - 00;05;59;11
Speaker 1
It is not a priority and that's okay. I think that's fine. Is it? Let me ask you, is it a requirement for you to be friends with the parents in order for your kids to be friends?

00;05;59;15 - 00;05;59;27
Speaker 3
Well, so.

00;06;00;03 - 00;06;18;24
Speaker 2
That's also I was I was trying to explain to to the awkwardness of not actually being friends and having to hang around. People like you just don't have anything to talk about. I mean, there's, like, this weird, awkward, like, like I can't even explain it standing around people that you don't really know.

00;06;19;09 - 00;06;25;25
Speaker 1
At all, but just imagine is like, I mean, my equivalent world is like networking. Like going in here. But you.

00;06;25;25 - 00;06;27;26
Speaker 2
Guys have a common like when you go in town.

00;06;27;27 - 00;06;32;02
Speaker 1
You have kids at the same parties who are friends. Is that not coming?

00;06;32;02 - 00;06;38;01
Speaker 2
You know, they're standing over there as a mom. Your life is already about them. You don't want to stand over here and talk about them, too.

00;06;38;15 - 00;06;49;17
Speaker 1
Girl. I just feel like you should try to spice it up with something. Like I go into these stuffy networking events all the time and I'm just like, You know what? I'm about to be the life of this event.

00;06;50;06 - 00;06;59;29
Speaker 2
So, okay, so let me just say so. So I think I can do this. So today was the first experience that I met a bomb that I was actually like, okay, I like you. And let me tell you about it, though.

00;07;00;05 - 00;07;00;23
Speaker 3
Yeah. Like.

00;07;01;06 - 00;07;13;07
Speaker 2
First of all, I could relate to her because I feel like most moms are fake. Like when they interact with other moms, they want to pretend like they're the best mom ever. And the mommy world is so easy.

00;07;13;18 - 00;07;15;05
Speaker 3
It's not like.

00;07;15;08 - 00;07;33;08
Speaker 2
Like, keep it real. Yeah. And so we were we were at our youth birthday party, and I don't know how we got on the subject, but we were like, talking about her. I shouldn't say so. I'm going to say it anyway, but our kids are behind, and this is something that's real in my life right now that I'm struggling with.

00;07;33;08 - 00;07;55;01
Speaker 2
And I'm like my daughter's behind. How do I get her caught up? Right? Like she started school in culvert. Kindergarten was a bus stop, like first grade. She had to learn kindergarten. So, I mean, like so now I'm working with her and I'm like, this is a real struggle for me. And I hate when I go into these rooms and the parents are like, my kids are geniuses and I've this is the first I have to say this.

00;07;55;14 - 00;08;00;29
Speaker 2
My kids are will be eight and six. I have never heard a parent tell me that their kid was.

00;08;00;29 - 00;08;09;04
Speaker 3
Struggling not once. How is it? I didn't talk to a thousand other dog. The 80,000 parents and all.

00;08;09;04 - 00;08;11;14
Speaker 2
Their kids are geniuses. That is just not real.

00;08;11;15 - 00;08;13;01
Speaker 3
That that's.

00;08;13;01 - 00;08;16;23
Speaker 1
Yeah. I mean. But do you believe them when they say that and how?

00;08;17;03 - 00;08;18;21
Speaker 3
Sometimes I do. So let me tell you.

00;08;18;21 - 00;08;20;00
Speaker 1
Why I actually believe that.

00;08;20;11 - 00;08;21;18
Speaker 3
Yeah, sometimes they do.

00;08;21;18 - 00;08;43;12
Speaker 2
And then I'm like and sometimes I feel bad for the kids. So I had a colleague that I actually I talked to because we work together and we were talking. We had kids that are about the same age and he was like, Yeah, my kids speak Spanish and she does this and she does this, she does this. And the reason I know this is true is because his kid looks stressed out.

00;08;43;12 - 00;08;56;08
Speaker 3
I mean, he's sending her to these five classes a week every week, and she has to go from this place to this place, this way. We're like, Yeah, this guy, you probably know that she's she's but she's.

00;08;56;08 - 00;08;59;00
Speaker 2
Also in his case, she's an only child.

00;08;59;02 - 00;09;01;29
Speaker 3
Yeah. You know, only children are different.

00;09;02;00 - 00;09;13;20
Speaker 1
I tell you about these only children, I hear I feel like we are about to have a whole generation of only children. And I think it's, again, because of feminism, no one doesn't go, go.

00;09;13;21 - 00;09;14;16
Speaker 3
And blame me.

00;09;15;11 - 00;09;34;20
Speaker 1
But I think it actually started in the generation above us that like a lot of the women have relationships that didn't last and they only ended up having one child because of that. Yeah. And then that generation were more prone to having one child. One child, because they were only children.

00;09;34;22 - 00;09;49;10
Speaker 2
Well, I don't even think that that just keeps I think that's a portion of it. But I think that people realize that in this more feminist world where women now work and women now have a lot more responsibilities outside of the home, you can't manage a kid.

00;09;49;10 - 00;10;09;11
Speaker 1
But that's what that's to me the other half of the equation. Yeah, that's how it seems like it actually is a lot of work. Right. And people realize because they have to work, you have to have two parent incomes coming in. The house stays like it just is reality. And let's not talk about inflation, but in China, you know, they used to have the one.

00;10;09;20 - 00;10;11;03
Speaker 2
Rule that was two, but it was one.

00;10;11;04 - 00;10;35;06
Speaker 1
It used to be one child. And now, I mean, that was I don't know, decades ago when this started, I'd have to look up the facts, ya know, I'm not the facts and statistics person, but like now they're starting to see the ramifications of having only one child as those children are now entering the workforce, have families of their own, and the parents are aging.

00;10;35;19 - 00;10;42;11
Speaker 1
And so the challenge is now they've put all their eggs in this one basket. And what if your kid is dumb and.

00;10;42;13 - 00;10;51;25
Speaker 3
What if they don't achieve? That was the first setting that, you know, I was one. But, you know, I always learn and you might have gotten that well, too.

00;10;51;25 - 00;11;12;23
Speaker 2
I mean, the responsibility, like even when when when our mother was sick, I felt like so I just had a baby. And you came in like like at some point it was you and in my other sister, because I couldn't be there, because I was dealing with my family and the things that I had going on. And so to put all that burden on one kid and then they're like, I don't have a choice.

00;11;12;23 - 00;11;16;07
Speaker 2
I don't have a sister or brother that I can call. That's just a lot.

00;11;16;07 - 00;11;27;08
Speaker 1
It's a lot. Yeah. And I'm like even that base level to be able to, to be able to do that and then provide for your own family. And you know, in China, they live for a long time.

00;11;27;26 - 00;11;39;19
Speaker 3
I think that your parents are going to be around for a long it's out like you guys to just see her face. She felt all that burden. I really did. I'm sorry. I really care.

00;11;40;04 - 00;11;52;13
Speaker 1
But I'm like, but this struggle is real. And I think we are going to start seeing that in our culture as well, because this generation of only children and not to mention how selfish they are.

00;11;54;09 - 00;11;55;15
Speaker 3
I know we got to go there.

00;11;55;24 - 00;12;13;02
Speaker 1
But I mean, I think it's real life. Yeah, but back to my point about feminism, I love and dislike all at the same time. But I really think that expectation of feminism has made us want to try to do it all like that is now our right to do it.

00;12;13;02 - 00;12;31;23
Speaker 2
Yeah. I mean, what I'm saying about like if we are doing something, we don't want to be bad at it. Right. And what's happening with feminism, though, is we've opened up the doors to be capable of doing more things right. And so now you have more things to try to be good at, you know, because I think that the being good is just innate to whatever it is that you're doing.

00;12;31;28 - 00;12;40;11
Speaker 2
But back then, you know, it was in the fifties, right? You get at home and you don't have to worry about a workplace and everything going on there. You know what.

00;12;40;11 - 00;12;58;28
Speaker 1
About the women who are staying at home now? Because I think about the people in my friend's circle, my generation, there is maybe one out of all of them who has decided to stay home. I also feel like there's a stigma on that. If you actually do want to stay home.

00;12;58;29 - 00;13;17;14
Speaker 2
It is it is. So welcome to say a couple of things, too. I think that now the stay at home moms, they have the added challenge of the economy, like you're saying, inflation and the cost of living like now is not like back then. A man could pay for their own family because it was expected that there was one income.

00;13;17;14 - 00;13;33;22
Speaker 2
Now it's correct that you make more money, right? And so I think that stay at home moms actually have before I get to the stigma, they have an extra challenge of being economical, of figuring out how to make one income work, which is a lot harder now than it was back then. And I think that's become an extra job.

00;13;34;27 - 00;13;35;07
Speaker 3
Of how.

00;13;35;07 - 00;14;03;20
Speaker 2
To do that. But but then to the stigma of, of staying at home and and I wouldn't just say the stigma to like people, the expectation is no longer there. Right? So still skipping the stigma. But like the expectation is, oh, you have an education, you should be working, right? Or, or you are wasting your life. Like, like people genuinely believe that even if you're a mother, you should still be working, which is super odd.

00;14;03;29 - 00;14;18;11
Speaker 1
Yeah, I mean that I met this lady who she's happy in her sixties now. Is she, like, introduced herself as a homemaker? Mind you, her kids are going on 40.

00;14;18;11 - 00;14;28;11
Speaker 3
Like the youngest one is already got to college as well. So you see what I mean?

00;14;29;24 - 00;14;45;03
Speaker 1
But but listen. But then I saw her later at this party, yo, she was up in there selling for her man's business. Like she was up there, his like marketing campaign. It was like, Oh, let's see what homemaker I want to be a.

00;14;45;03 - 00;14;49;23
Speaker 3
Homemaker to do that. I can make it out. But no I.

00;14;49;23 - 00;15;07;02
Speaker 2
Mean that the cool so that actually reminds me of and it's so funny that you brother because I'm kind of going through that as well. So the so biblically so the story of Ruth like she used to get up early in the morning and make sure that her husband's affairs were in order, like he would just, you know, get up and work.

00;15;07;03 - 00;15;28;13
Speaker 2
She made sure that everything was in order, that he was prepared, that he had the tools that he needed to go out and do his work. And so that is homemaking, right? Like like it is an a part of that that I don't think that we knowledge and I'm kind of so it's funny though that you mentioned that because to me that that brought this kind of this lens of being a woman like it's something that I'm working on now.

00;15;28;13 - 00;15;48;16
Speaker 2
So my partner, he has just started his own business and whatnot and I'm used to so in corporate America, in my own lane, I'm a boss, like that's just what I do. But now that he started his own being like, I'm trying to be more like Ruth, like I'm like he he was doing something and I was like, Oh, I made you a spreadsheet to keep track of all of that stuff.

00;15;48;29 - 00;15;53;00
Speaker 2
And he, he took it. He's like, Oh, this is great. We knew that before. Like, you need this.

00;15;53;00 - 00;15;55;03
Speaker 3
Spreadsheet, you know, whatever, whatever.

00;15;55;29 - 00;16;05;20
Speaker 2
But, but I think that is homemaking. Like, that is a part of nurturing and making sure that your home is cared for and it is still work that we don't mention right.

00;16;05;22 - 00;16;08;18
Speaker 1
After work like you're not even in our crazy.

00;16;09;09 - 00;16;09;26
Speaker 3
Things.

00;16;09;27 - 00;16;27;26
Speaker 1
Are working building with them and from what we hear about the children that's you got your hands full already. Yeah. But I'm like, so could you ever see yourself you're on maternity leave right now in some like, could you ever see yourself taking a step back from your career? I know I tried it.

00;16;28;09 - 00;16;30;07
Speaker 3
You know, you weren't around. I remember.

00;16;31;05 - 00;16;36;10
Speaker 1
But I'm like, I feel like there's a different definition of homemaking now, like what we just described.

00;16;36;10 - 00;16;45;09
Speaker 2
Well, I will say it also depends on what stage of life. You're it, Mike, with. You're from your family and all that. So like when I tried it before is when I had my first daughter, I was like, I'm going to stay at home.

00;16;45;21 - 00;16;49;00
Speaker 1
But to be a stay at home mom, not to be a homemaker.

00;16;49;00 - 00;17;01;13
Speaker 2
Oh, yeah, no. I mean, it still had a lot of the same thing. Like, I was like I had to cook every day and iron in other people's clothes. You can tell from home my voice was not one of my.

00;17;01;15 - 00;17;12;08
Speaker 3
Yeah. You tell me. How long did this last? Maybe six months, I think I made. Ready. Go back now. Can I go back now, please? But anyway.

00;17;13;09 - 00;17;45;01
Speaker 2
I had, I think that I. I would never personally be fully white out of something professionally, but I am. And I think it's going to happen sooner than later, is that I am going to reshape what my work what my work look like, like like what I learned in maternity leave is that I need more balance and that when I'm at work, when I'm in that work mode, I can go 12 hours a day and be focused on work.

00;17;45;15 - 00;17;47;20
Speaker 1
And what is the balance you have there? None.

00;17;47;22 - 00;18;16;00
Speaker 2
That's amazing. And so what I what I recognize now is that I actually enjoy a day where I can do 3 hours, you know, home in and 2 hours out the kids in 4 hours of work here and one hour of exercise and one hour of, you know, meditation. Like, that's been like my best days when I'm able to strike that balance correctly.

00;18;16;00 - 00;18;22;06
Speaker 2
Right? And so that's what I'm trying to get to like. Like I think that maybe then I'll figure out how I can ask a mom. Right.

00;18;22;20 - 00;18;41;06
Speaker 1
Exactly. Like then you can be bragging now, like now. But and honestly, though, what do you think it'll take for the culture of mommy to change? I think because that's part of what the core issue is. Yeah. And we've talked about real life moms. Well, I was going to say.

00;18;41;06 - 00;19;04;03
Speaker 2
So the thing I like about the the lady I met today is it wasn't even about her having that commonality of her kids struggling. It was about her being genuine and saying, hey, this is what I'm good at, this is who I am. And bringing herself. Like even at that same event, I was talking to other moms and you can tell when someone's genuine with you and you can tell they're like, Hey, I'm Jane's mom.

00;19;04;16 - 00;19;29;13
Speaker 2
And I'm like, okay, hi versus hi. I'm such and such, you know? And I think part of it, too, I had this challenge early on is that also I'm not a woman who has completely gotten rid of my identity for my children. And that is something that like what you meet these moms and their whole life, their kids, they don't do anything for themselves.

00;19;29;13 - 00;19;47;08
Speaker 2
They don't, you know, have their own thing. And I'm not okay with that either. And I don't think that and I don't fuck them because that it's easy to to see how they got there, but it's hard to relate to them as an adult.

00;19;47;08 - 00;19;49;03
Speaker 1
I'm sensing since like, say.

00;19;49;08 - 00;19;51;17
Speaker 3
You know, it's.

00;19;51;17 - 00;20;11;26
Speaker 2
Not Jane, because I empathize with them. Like, I understand like I was telling you the difficulties of doing that, like of doing all the right things is you have to completely immerse yourself so I can see how they got there. Right. But it's hard to relate. Like I was telling tell you, I don't want to go to a kid's party.

00;20;11;26 - 00;20;15;22
Speaker 2
It's been all time talking about the kids, right? That is not.

00;20;15;22 - 00;20;17;07
Speaker 3
Fun.

00;20;17;07 - 00;20;18;22
Speaker 1
I been like, they have alcohol.

00;20;19;19 - 00;20;22;29
Speaker 3
I'll tell you to do it again. They don't they.

00;20;22;29 - 00;20;35;29
Speaker 2
Don't have cocktails. The Chucky Cheese. But but I'm saying like like there is that to me that's not necessarily additive at at a certain point.

00;20;36;07 - 00;20;37;00
Speaker 1
And just like.

00;20;37;00 - 00;20;51;01
Speaker 2
You could have a conversation like like the way we play again, we talked about tutoring and different things. We can do whatever. But I felt like there was still a balance of I'm this person outside of my child and I'm also my child's mother.

00;20;51;20 - 00;20;54;24
Speaker 1
So you're asking for a whole lot for somebody who don't even want.

00;20;54;24 - 00;20;56;12
Speaker 2
So so that's why I'm.

00;20;56;12 - 00;20;58;14
Speaker 3
Saying I want to. So she's.

00;20;59;12 - 00;21;08;29
Speaker 1
Okay. And so where I guess, where would you categorize this lady? You may you will put her in your associate category versus like, yeah, the other people.

00;21;08;29 - 00;21;18;22
Speaker 2
Like the reason I feel like I can be associated with her because I could see our relationship growing and having a mutual respect for one another. I don't want to be associated with someone that we.

00;21;19;18 - 00;21;27;00
Speaker 1
Interesting so you trying to promote people from associate to I guess and interesting approach.

00;21;27;23 - 00;21;29;15
Speaker 2
That's not how you know.

00;21;29;21 - 00;21;30;21
Speaker 1
My associates.

00;21;30;22 - 00;21;32;19
Speaker 2
Stay associates for years and years to.

00;21;32;19 - 00;21;36;09
Speaker 1
Come oh is actually really hard right now.

00;21;36;14 - 00;21;41;15
Speaker 3
My real hard oh so so okay let's let's speak to that.

00;21;41;15 - 00;21;46;03
Speaker 2
So why is it hard? What what do you require from your friends? Uh.

00;21;47;26 - 00;22;29;10
Speaker 1
That's a good question. Okay, so for my friends are require it to be a relationship in which we can both grow and in which we're both pushing each other to grow. Right. That's probably the most important identifier qualifier, I would say. And it is. Most people are not interested in that. Really. Yeah, that's most people. I think like you're saying about the moms and their mom, I their kid identity, like they're not trying to grow like they're completely content with where they are and most people actually are.

00;22;29;14 - 00;22;33;29
Speaker 2
Oh, that's probably yeah I hit the hit the chord with that.

00;22;34;09 - 00;22;45;08
Speaker 1
And I'm like, I'm just kind of addicted to self-improvement. Yeah. So I just need to be around people who are like that. Otherwise it feels like I'm kind of being slowed down, right?

00;22;45;15 - 00;22;49;11
Speaker 2
They don't understand your priorities or how you're prioritizing, right? Right.

00;22;49;15 - 00;22;58;08
Speaker 1
And so I think that's that's why it's hard on the friend category. And so most people remain associates and there must be a level below associates.

00;22;58;09 - 00;23;01;10
Speaker 3
Because some people don't even get that. Oh.

00;23;03;23 - 00;23;16;26
Speaker 1
There must be. There really will be. But I also don't really I mean, I have a best friend in name, but I'm like, I don't actually think you can like grow to the best friend level. Like, I don't even know what that's hate.

00;23;17;02 - 00;23;20;12
Speaker 2
So, so how did you establish a best friend level like with that.

00;23;20;12 - 00;23;24;15
Speaker 1
It was thrust upon me. Yeah. You know, I just accept that.

00;23;26;10 - 00;23;27;02
Speaker 2
They kidnaped.

00;23;27;02 - 00;23;29;01
Speaker 3
You, but I don't.

00;23;29;01 - 00;23;48;19
Speaker 1
Think I'm a good best, right? Yeah. Like, I think I'm really good at that, but I think I'm like. I think really to me, I think I can be a best friend to my partner. Mean, like to be a help me. To me, that is a best friend relationship. Yeah. I don't know that you can have that with a person, not your me.

00;23;49;11 - 00;23;56;00
Speaker 2
I don't see how you can maintain it. Like I could see it through, like, college. Yeah, but then after that, it gets hard.

00;23;56;10 - 00;24;04;01
Speaker 1
Really hard. Yeah, it's really hard. I'm like, I don't know how you can have that in a partner. Like, how do you see.

00;24;04;04 - 00;24;05;00
Speaker 2
Somebody getting cheated?

00;24;05;04 - 00;24;09;14
Speaker 1
Yeah, my. How do you know you talking about that? You know, my kids don't.

00;24;09;28 - 00;24;14;25
Speaker 3
See how you get it. I'm like that. But. But I think that that's okay.

00;24;14;25 - 00;24;33;06
Speaker 2
So. So I think that's a little bit about what I'm saying about the the friend expectation. Like you have to acknowledge that when your kid you can play all day. You're my best friend all day, every day when you're teenagers. Same kind of deal. When you get to college, you guys still have a lot of free time, you know, whatnot.

00;24;33;06 - 00;24;55;28
Speaker 2
But as you start to develop your own grown up life, you have other priorities that are more pressing, more urgent. And I think that we should all be adult enough to say that a friend is someone who, when they are there, they are completely present when and they and you have a reciprocal relationship and you love one another dearly.

00;24;56;07 - 00;25;13;21
Speaker 2
Right. And I think that is really the most that you can ask of people who are, you know, heading in for doing their own life. Right. And the different things that they are doing, whether it be whatever. Right. But if anyone has an expectation, be on that, I think it's unhealthy.

00;25;14;11 - 00;25;14;25
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;25;14;25 - 00;25;18;21
Speaker 3
So stop expecting someone to love their people.

00;25;19;17 - 00;25;49;05
Speaker 1
And don't be a bad mom. Is the moral of our story here. I'm like, I think we uncovered a lot though around. I never thought about some of this stuff or articulated it out loud. Yeah, but you know, some of the things we talked about friendship and expectations and things like that, it's quite interesting. You know, are there any key takeaways or like, you know, where the wisdom you would leave the audience with?

00;25;49;05 - 00;26;08;22
Speaker 2
So I'm thinking about this is all real time, guys. So I'm thinking about like my relationships and maybe I would have better relationships if our more capable of setting that expectation of this is how I interact, and then a portion of it too. And then think about it out loud, is the guilt that I put on myself, right?

00;26;08;23 - 00;26;31;00
Speaker 2
Like we were talking about, you want to be good at everything. And I apparently unconsciously have realized that the reason that I don't want these relationships is because I can't be good at them. Mm hmm. And so if I lowered that bar mutually with the person and with myself, then that'll probably create a better opportunity to get friendships.

00;26;31;10 - 00;26;34;29
Speaker 1
Interesting. I want to see. Let me know how that goes with the exercises.

00;26;35;04 - 00;26;36;18
Speaker 2
Real therapy. Guys, I know.

00;26;36;19 - 00;26;44;02
Speaker 3
How you feel. Is there? Is that there? I really do know. There's bathroom. I love it.

00;26;44;07 - 00;26;51;04
Speaker 1
Yeah, this is awesome. Yeah. Let us know how it's going on with your mom. Friends, with your friend, friends, which are acquaintance friends or.

00;26;51;04 - 00;26;52;02
Speaker 2
If you have friends.

00;26;53;13 - 00;26;53;17
Speaker 3
Or.

00;26;53;23 - 00;26;54;16
Speaker 1
Where your friends.

00;26;55;06 - 00;26;56;18
Speaker 3
Let us know. Like.

00;26;56;29 - 00;27;04;29
Speaker 1
We're glad we could point to you and we can. We expect something in return. So it's something that we are. I mean, you get to be cynical.