The Venusians vs The Martians

Are women really from Venus and are men really from mars? Today the ladies are discussing if  Ava is the problem in her relationships and is Tashuanda exploiting her husband. They also speak on the importance of having similar goals and values as your partner and how adulting is for the birds. Explore the intimacies of relationships on Black Girl Fly!

Tell us about your relationship in the comments on instagram: @blackgirlflyofficial

[00:23] Introductions 

[00:50] The men are acting weird 

[01:49] Is Ava the problem? 

[04:45] Are you being sold to? Or doing the selling? 

[07:50] A new way to think about sales 

[10:58] Getting enough out of your relationships 

[13:05] Noticing partners quirks 

[16:33] Aligning with you partner 

[18:20] Communicating your strengths 

[19:00] Ava’s couples counseling assessment 

[20:49] Looking into the mirror 

[24:50] Advice to young and single people 

[26:49] Closing/Outro 

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Transcript

Welcome back to another episode. | 0:23
So the black girl fly. | 0:25
I'm your girl, Tanesha Nicole and I'm Shauna Dixon. | 0:26
today we're talking about one of our favorite topics. | 0:29
Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. | 0:32
Y'all. | 0:37
This is real. | 0:38
Really? | 0:38
This is real. | 0:39
You're really feeling it right now? | 0:39
I'm feeling that. | 0:40
I think I am feeling this too, but in a weird kind of way right now in my relationship, he acting weird. | 0:44
Like what? | 0:53
Okay, so we've been together a long time. | 0:54
We've been together in this current stretch. | 0:56
Seven years. | 0:59
That's a long time. | 1:00
Yes, like seven years. | 1:01
Live with you day in, day out. | 1:03
Let's not forget that. | 1:06
Just like, stuff is not really him, like acting all. | 1:09
Lovey dovey and whatnot. | 1:12
I was like, girl. | 1:14
Like, what is going on? | 1:17
But you like that. | 1:18
I do, but I feel like I need to know why, like, what happened? | 1:20
Like, what's going on in your head when you finally decide? | 1:26
Right. | 1:29
I don't know. | 1:31
I'm not going to claim to understand the male species. | 1:32
So how are you feeling this? | 1:36
How are the men are Vermont? | 1:38
Yes. | 1:40
This is real. | 1:43
I just feel like in my relationship right now, I feel like I thought that there was always a problem with me. | 1:44
Okay. | 1:56
In every relationship I was like, I don't have good relational skills. | 1:57
That was it. | 2:02
I wasn't really raised in a relationship oriented family, and so I just never really learned the skills and I've never really had a lot of friends, and so I was like, something wrong with me. | 2:03
Granted, there is we're not going to do that out there. | 2:14
Is it? | 2:17
I mean, I'm very particular. | 2:18
There's lots going into that. | 2:21
I thought that I really was like the root cause of why all my relationships were not. | 2:22
you always blamed all of your past relationship issues on yourself? | 2:29
Yes. | 2:33
Wow. | 2:34
Like no blame on them minor, but. | 2:34
Most of you suck. | 2:38
Yeah. | 2:40
I was like, well, because I didn't communicate it in the right way. | 2:40
My communication is not great, but I feel like when I explain something to my girlfriends, they get what I'm saying. | 2:45
They come to the same conclusion I do. | 2:54
when I was talking to my boyfriend, he belongs. | 2:56
I have some information for you that was shared with me. | 3:03
Okay. | 3:06
I was talking to my significant other and he was saying well, he actually said it a couple of times. | 3:07
I didn't really understand it. | 3:13
That he sent me a video of someone else describing it with some pictures. | 3:14
Yes. | 3:19
he said it's because when women talk, we talk, like, on a bunch of different things. | 3:19
We go around a circle and you have to say a lot of stuff that kind of connects but doesn't really relate. | 3:25
we're going zigzag all around the building and men don't communicate like that. | 3:31
he said to me, he said, I love you, but I only listen to the first 20 seconds of whatever it is you say to me. | 3:36
I've never been one to answer direct questions very well. | 3:44
I can see how this gets a. | 3:48
Little bit he's like, well, if you don't say what you need in 20 seconds, I don't know what it is. | 3:50
Interesting. | 3:54
Okay, so I think I do have a communication, but the women get in. | 3:55
That's because we are listening to your. | 4:00
Zigzag, the two hour conversation about this one simple thing. | 4:02
Girl. | 4:06
Oh, my God. | 4:07
Is that it? | 4:08
That solve your problem. | 4:09
now either if I want something so I use this to my advantage too. | 4:10
if I really want something, I go on a tangent for over 20 seconds and then I say what I want and he just says, okay. | 4:14
Oh, that's smart. | 4:21
That's smart, and I get it. | 4:23
Or if I really want him to do something, I need him to listen. | 4:26
I say it within 20 seconds. | 4:28
Can you give me an example? | 4:30
I need practice. | 4:32
Well, I mean, I have like, honeydew lists. | 4:34
That's usually a lot of it. | 4:36
Like, I'd be like, hey, the yard is really a mess. | 4:37
Can you blow it for me? | 4:40
And I get answer. | 4:42
He always says yes, even though he means no. | 4:43
Sometimes I get answer. | 4:45
when I want to do something I stayed at work the other day. | 4:47
We were having some kind of party, whatever, and I was like, hey, this event is going a lot better than I thought I was going to go. | 4:53
I'm actually having a really good time. | 5:00
So and so is here. | 5:01
were drinking, we're hanging out, we're doing this thing, and I just really want to know oh, so and so says hi, but is it okay if I just stay extra 2 hours and I make sure that last part was outside of the 20 seconds? | 5:03
And then he goes, okay. | 5:21
when I roll back home 2 hours later, he'd be like, oh, where were you? | 5:22
Oh, I stayed at the work thing. | 5:27
Like, remember you said it was good? | 5:28
This sounds like manipulation decoration going on here. | 5:32
Hey, it is their decision. | 5:37
Every decision has a consequence. | 5:39
But you're, like, exploiting. | 5:42
Hello. | 5:45
No. | 5:47
I was told early in life that in every situation, you are either being sold to or you're doing the selling. | 5:47
In every lady. | 5:55
In every exchange that you have, you are either selling or being sold to. | 5:59
one of those is more powerful than the other. | 6:06
Okay, that's new information, new lens I need to ponder on. | 6:10
Wow, I never thought about it. | 6:15
When you walk into any environment I do this a lot in work scenarios. | 6:17
Like when I go to pitch meetings, yes, I'm telling that's an obvious sales whatever. | 6:22
when I'm having a regular conversation, I am also selling. | 6:27
Like, girl, I don't even be knowing. | 6:31
I don't even know, hanging out. | 6:35
Right? | 6:37
We're just hanging out. | 6:37
Okay. | 6:38
I just need to be more self aware. | 6:39
Okay, yeah, but it's I mean, but you do it different, like, in your different environments. | 6:41
Right. | 6:46
How does it look different? | 6:47
Socially? | 6:48
Yeah, socially. | 6:48
I mean, what can I put out there? | 6:50
Okay, so I'm selling a Fenty lingerie thing or whatever, and I'm talking to a homegirl, I'm like, hey, I just bought this thing. | 6:52
It is dope. | 7:03
they got it in these codes and whatnot? | 7:03
It was bad. | 7:06
I put it on with these heels, blah. | 7:06
I won't want. | 7:09
if I'm actually like in a pitch meeting, I'm like, oh, these are the features. | 7:12
It costs this much. | 7:17
You're still selling different contexts. | 7:19
Interesting. | 7:21
Okay, I'm going to have to practice this. | 7:23
You all know I'm not one who knows much about sales. | 7:27
That's enough. | 7:31
So here's the thing. | 7:32
I think it's because you put it out. | 7:33
We are so off topic. | 7:35
I know men are Vermont. | 7:36
We over here in Venice, clear square in Venus. | 7:39
We're doing that diagonal thing that I talked about. | 7:43
This is why you all ride with us, so we be all over the place, not talk about our topic, but go ahead. | 7:47
I was just going to say, though, I think you think about sales wrong. | 7:54
You put sales in a bot box of it. | 7:58
This one thing, but it's not selling, is really just investigating if someone has a need and showing them how they can meet that need. | 8:00
you do that in every context of your life. | 8:09
Yes, we talked about this. | 8:11
Going back to the ads thing, why I like ads today because when I'm Googling my Fenty sleeper, when I go to Facebook, they're going to show me some ads about some sleep. | 8:15
I do appreciate ads today. | 8:28
they're stalking us for information so that they can better target us for. | 8:30
What we actually are. | 8:35
They solving your problems. | 8:35
They are. | 8:37
Okay, I can appreciate that. | 8:38
How can we best meet the needs of those that we encounter? | 8:39
Like your man or we sold. | 8:43
You talking to like, our man. | 8:44
Yes. | 8:45
Back on topic, back on topic. | 8:46
I think this concept is actually going to help me within the 20 seconds. | 8:50
Without outside of the 20 seconds. | 8:57
I think that concept is going to help me. | 9:00
I I guess the question that I still have is like how? | 9:03
Like, you just become okay with that? | 9:11
Like you just it just becomes routine to you. | 9:15
It doesn't communicate. | 9:17
Yeah, I mean, at first it annoyed me, but then I realized that I have a lot of quirks, too. | 9:19
People are always adjusting and it kind of goes on the line are what are you willing to do for what you want to receive? | 9:27
Right. | 9:35
for me, quite honestly, I realized that there are things that I want my partner to do. | 9:36
I want him to understand it. | 9:41
I want him to do it, and he does a lot of stuff that I don't do. | 9:43
I was telling you the other day we have a nasty rule. | 9:46
It's that I don't do nasty. | 9:52
So if something's nasty, he does it. | 9:54
And he's owned this. | 9:55
mind you, there's been many things I'm sure he didn't want to do, but he agreed to the rule. | 9:57
I like that rule a lot. | 10:03
I really do. | 10:05
I'm a fan. | 10:06
no, what I'm saying it to say is that every relationship you have, whether it's male, female relationship, or sexual relationship, or platonic relationship, it's all give and take. | 10:08
It's no different from having to adjust. | 10:19
How your girl? | 10:22
I was telling you the other day I had a girlfriend who was super ratchet, and if I wanted to have a conversation with her, I had to withstand a lot of courtesy, and I don't speak that way, and it would literally burn my ear. | 10:23
if I wanted to have a conversation, I should have had that expectation because I know her. | 10:40
Just like if someone has the expectation with me, they know I don't have superficial conversations. | 10:45
If they're going to talk to me, they're going to talk about something deep. | 10:49
Right? | 10:51
But it's always an adjustment. | 10:53
The question, I guess, that I would ask is, are you getting enough out of your relationship for the work that you have to put into it? | 10:56
Yeah, that's real. | 11:04
That's real. | 11:06
My relationship accounts are called me selfish yesterday. | 11:07
That is not news to anyone. | 11:11
I'm glad she's on it. | 11:14
Now. | 11:18
That's real. | 11:18
That's real. | 11:19
And it does go both ways. | 11:20
Like, I am also a handful to. | 11:22
Deal with at all, but two, I feel like if you love someone, it doesn't hurt as bad, and you get them and you start to understand how they work and what makes them go and what makes them stop. | 11:24
it actually just becomes a way that you communicate. | 11:38
I mean, you have to do that. | 11:41
You have to adjust in every scenario, like, whether you're in an employment situation, like, you're the boss, there's a subordinate, there's people, different levels of experience, different level of skills. | 11:42
You're always adjusting no matter what situation you walk into. | 11:52
Exactly. | 11:55
I think the best thing I mean, even despite differences, I think the best feeling or the best thing I enjoy about relationships is that you could be out there, but this person accepts all of that craziness. | 11:56
It's just, okay, she's crazy. | 12:13
I was talking to someone another day, and they were called my daughter awkward. | 12:18
I was like, well, her mother and her father were very awkward children, so she got it on. | 12:23
She did. | 12:30
I was like, well, what are your friends? | 12:32
All those quirks? | 12:35
I think your differences make you. | 12:40
I don't know why. | 12:45
this is just a mushy part of my relationship right now, but several years ago, when were teenagers. | 12:45
That you was talking about a couple of. | 12:54
Years ago, several deck games? | 12:56
No. | 13:02
my partner now, he told me that he said that I tilted my head when I did something specific. | 13:03
Whatever. | 13:09
I had never noticed in my whole life that I had tilted my head. | 13:10
I looked in the mirror one time and I was like, he's right. | 13:13
I tilt my head and I never noticed this. | 13:15
And he did. | 13:19
He's like, when you do this, you tilt your head. | 13:21
I'm like, you just know your person. | 13:23
how they work, how they tick. | 13:29
things that they don't necessarily know about themselves because you spend more. | 13:31
Time looking at them and there's just her and comfort in that. | 13:34
Right? | 13:38
Yeah. | 13:39
You're like, wow, this person picks up on all those little things. | 13:39
Yeah, I think that's beautiful. | 13:44
even despite our differences, men being from Mars and not understanding basic women communication, this probably is in all aspects of relationships, but we can meet them to a halfway point or to a certain point. | 13:46
Let me just pull this up. | 14:05
Do you want them to be like you? | 14:06
Like, don't you get tired of your girlfriends? | 14:08
I absolutely don't want to deal with me. | 14:10
I don't want nobody else in the world like me. | 14:13
I can tell you that right now. | 14:16
I kind of feel like that's a necessity. | 14:21
Like, you can't have someone who's like you because they think like you, they do the things you do. | 14:24
That rule of diversity, right? | 14:31
Of, like, understanding and being different to really reach the right. | 14:33
She'S making hand emotions. | 14:43
I got you. | 14:45
the point being is that you need somebody that's different. | 14:50
honestly, in life, if you have children, you're going to have children that are different from you. | 14:53
your plan of how to cope with it can't be I can't deal with difference. | 14:59
It's going to have to be I have to learn how to jeff, I have to learn how to be agile. | 15:05
And that's how you get to lord. | 15:08
Lord, Lord, pray for me. | 15:10
This is what I'm going to ask of the audience to pray for me because this is real. | 15:12
This is real life. | 15:18
I mean, I do believe in diversity. | 15:20
I do appreciate diversity, but I've always been able to keep it at an arm's length. | 15:23
I think that is a challenge that I have. | 15:28
I think that fundamentally, I do believe there needs to be some similarities. | 15:33
I think not every area should be different. | 15:41
Yeah, I think your value should be. | 15:43
Same or similar values. | 15:45
I mean, there's always opportunity for us to grow, I think similar goals, so you all can work together towards that. | 15:47
a lot of couples don't have similar goals. | 15:53
When I say goals, I mean like relationship goals. | 15:56
Like, want to have children. | 16:00
Okay. | 16:02
It's important to be able to say, although there are couples who go into relationships with different goals in that area. | 16:03
Everybody has a compromise. | 16:11
Yes, absolutely. | 16:13
And, I mean, that just poses another layer of a challenge that you'll have to overcome if your goals are different. | 16:15
But not impossible. | 16:22
It's not impossible, but I think that if you align yourselves to someone who's more like you, it's easier to navigate. | 16:23
you also have, like, a guiding principle. | 16:30
I told you early on in my relationship, when we first got together, I was very I don't want to say. | 16:34
Independent minded, but she was an independent woman. | 16:42
Going into it, we had to come up with an agreement of how we would solve problems, and were like, okay, what we did actually, like, if we go to the Bible and the Bible says that's it. | 16:51
That's it. | 17:01
I don't care what you said. | 17:01
I don't care what you said. | 17:02
That's it. | 17:03
And we literally had to say that. | 17:04
That's hilarious. | 17:07
I'm like, yeah, I'm struggling on that, and I want my man to lead. | 17:09
Like, I really want that for all of my life, but it's hard. | 17:16
I'll be like, I need to know the plan. | 17:21
I need to know what we're doing so I can help. | 17:24
Yeah. | 17:27
I'm like, I just need to know what I'm like. | 17:29
You lead us, direct us, but you got to tell me because it's about to be done. | 17:31
It's about to be done. | 17:36
You can collapse in time frame, too. | 17:39
you'd be like, I need this done by next week, and then you'd be like, I can figure out how to get another one. | 17:41
It's done tomorrow. | 17:45
It's already done. | 17:46
I used to get down on myself for that, but that really, I'm finding is the strength. | 17:49
It is. | 17:53
you have to be able to communicate that. | 17:56
Yes. | 17:58
What happens with that is you have to be able to tie it to a larger goal. | 18:00
they can say, you just ain't running over here doing everything, but you got to work that together for that purpose of that larger goal. | 18:05
Yeah, that I agree with. | 18:13
Right now, my partner is not an executor. | 18:17
We had an assignment, so you have. | 18:21
To talk about where this assignment came from. | 18:24
we're in couples counseling right now, and we're doing work to improve our relationship, preparing for marriage. | 18:26
there's work we got to do work. | 18:36
Like, you have to prepare yourself, and I don't think the preparation actually or the work is actually ever going to stop, but we have assignments in between our sessions, and so we took an assessment on our first session, and our next appointment was going to be, like, three weeks later. | 18:39
take the assessment, have some conversations, blah, blah. | 18:58
Read this book. | 19:02
Your girl didn't finish the 200 plus question assessment sorry. | 19:04
In two days. | 19:09
And read the book. | 19:10
There's a women's book and a men's book. | 19:11
I read both books multiple times before two weeks. | 19:13
Then I meet with the council, be. | 19:20
With you right there. | 19:22
We don't break up right there. | 19:22
We have done because, what day is it due? | 19:24
I'm going to get it done the hour before. | 19:27
I met with the counselor two days before were meeting all together. | 19:29
He was like, oh, let me look at your assessment, young man. | 19:34
Still like this. | 19:38
And it's been three weeks. | 19:40
I'm like, that's my problem right there. | 19:43
But that's just how he operates. | 19:46
I'm like I've been done, but I'm an executor. | 19:49
he didn't mapped out our work plan. | 19:56
we don't wake up every day at 05:00 A.m. | 19:58
To do this work because that's his vision for our relationship. | 20:01
I say, okay, wow. | 20:04
We have different strength areas. | 20:06
That would not have been my vision, but men are from Mars and the. | 20:08
Struggle is real and the show is real. | 20:15
Yes, ma'am. | 20:17
Now, looking at it to a different lens, though, would you want what if what have you got with somebody who's just like you and they did it the day before you did? | 20:19
How would that conversation go exactly? | 20:28
We would be not waiting three weeks to see Art to get the next appointment. | 20:31
We would be there next week. | 20:36
I'm laughing because I'm like I do appreciate his approach in many areas. | 20:41
Right. | 20:48
In many areas. | 20:48
This is very beneficial. | 20:49
Think about finances. | 20:51
Do you want someone like me who is a spender? | 20:52
I'm going to spend that right now. | 20:55
he is very patient, and that works very well. | 20:58
Right. | 21:02
I get you need the balance. | 21:02
I think it's just in each area, I have to assess how I can work with this. | 21:04
it comes to working on our relationship, that's going to look the same as, like, long term investing. | 21:11
it's just adjusting to those different areas of life and appreciating the difference, I think, like you're saying. | 21:20
So, yeah, it's real out here. | 21:29
That's all I have to say. | 21:32
Only if you guys can see her facial expression. | 21:33
You can hear breathing, though. | 21:36
Pray for me, pray for me. | 21:39
Pray for me. | 21:41
Got you. | 21:41
Think about this, though. | 21:44
If it were easy, everyone would have it, right? | 21:46
If it were easy, it wouldn't be worth it. | 21:50
Right? | 21:53
There's so many aspects of it that it's just a hard thing to do. | 21:54
It's so easy. | 22:00
by the way, I think you're also not really thinking about how you've been and I'm going to say alone for so much of your life. | 22:01
I said that. | 22:12
I think we talked about an episode. | 22:13
being alone, you never have to look into the mirror. | 22:14
Real facts. | 22:18
You can do you? | 22:21
Nobody's saying anything. | 22:22
You just do you. | 22:23
Right. | 22:24
that's one component of being in a relationship, but the other component is that you also don't get, I would say better as fast. | 22:25
Right. | 22:35
Meaning a person sharpens. | 22:35
You like your ability to work with a different personality, work with someone who works different, that's going to help you in every other facet of your life. | 22:38
it's like being in a relationship makes it a requirement for you at that point in time to adjust to it, to address it, to make sure that you work through it. | 22:46
But then you could just be alone. | 22:55
you're not getting good at that skill, right. | 23:00
You're not going to be challenged or sharpened in the same way. | 23:02
That's the real talk. | 23:05
I think it's hard. | 23:07
I think it's hard, but I think it's good because not only that, net now by the way, you have a partner. | 23:09
if you guys are even like if you're rowing, if your goals are the same, you got two shovels instead of one, right? | 23:13
Like your shovel is bigger, you can do more. | 23:20
How much more? | 23:23
You can become more. | 23:23
with all of those benefits, there's some things you got to pool with you. | 23:24
You got to deal with some stuff is what you say. | 23:30
It you still have to deal with some stuff. | 23:32
It ain't just going to be easy. | 23:34
Yeah, I appreciate that and I'm very appreciative of this journey. | 23:36
I'm like I'll just laugh. | 23:42
Life is hard, y'all. | 23:45
It's adulting stuff to support the absolute bird. | 23:47
I just want to tell every year. | 23:51
I am a lot of that. | 23:53
By the way. | 23:54
I see a guy who's like they was returning something. | 23:54
It was like a little short video, whatever on social media. | 23:57
It was like I couldn't return something. | 24:00:00
Yeah, what are you returning? | 24:03:00
Adulthood. | 24:04:00
Exactly. | 24:06:00
Please take this back. | 24:07:00
It ain't what they told me return. | 24:08:00
It's real. | 24:12:00
I'm like it is real. | 24:13:00
for any of your youngsters out here listening, enjoy every single second. | 24:15:00
Yes. | 24:23:00
Well, I would say the same thing is true about being single. | 24:24:00
Like I feel like people stress be in a relationship, booed up all that, couple goals, whatever, marriage goals, all that. | 24:27:00
And people don't tell you all this. | 24:36:00
That we just talked about stuff, all the things. | 24:39:00
I would say enjoy every segment of your life. | 24:42:00
Whether that's like I look at it now, I wish I was alone. | 24:47:00
Some days I do. | 24:52:00
Some days it would be easy for. | 24:53:00
Me to just pop up four kids later, 3 hours at the gym. | 24:55:00
I know, Starbucks. | 25:00:00
What are we doing in our single day? | 25:03:00
how hard it is for me to jump up and go to the gym for 3 hours? | 25:08:00
Enjoy. | 25:13:00
I got to check my calendar. | 25:13:00
Check the calendar, ride, transportation. | 25:15:00
It's a lot of coordination. | 25:21:00
Yes. | 25:22:00
You don't even want to go to the gym anymore. | 25:23:00
You can do your exercise. | 25:26:00
when I got to get all the kids dressed, that is a workout I don't need to work out. | 25:29:00
That's a lot of kids. | 25:34:00
I'm like that's a lot of kids to be dressing. | 25:35:00
At least now some of them can dress themselves. | 25:38:00
Not really. | 25:40:00
They do try. | 25:42:00
We got to monitor and send them back at least three times every day. | 25:44:00
Yes, I witnessed that the other day. | 25:47:00
Interesting. | 25:51:00
no, I'm just saying no, relationships are good. | 25:52:00
Relationships are hard. | 25:56:00
It got to be a challenge that you're willing to take on at that point in your life. | 25:57:00
The Martians and the Venetians can coexist and grow from it. | 26:03:00
You can. | 26:11:00
That's the moral of story. | 26:11:00
All yeah. | 26:13:00
So until next time, pray for me. | 26:13:00
Girl tenish. | 26:16:00
Nicole. | 26:17:00
And I'm shana Dixon. | 26:18:00
And we are black. | 26:19:00
Girl fly. | 26:20:00