Back to Basics

Today the ladies are getting back to the basics! Ava and Tashaunda talk about not following their own rules and finding alignment in their goals They also discuss uncertainties about the future and Ava wonders if her  “fire” number is high enough.

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00:22 Introductions 

02:10 How did you stray away?

04:20 Not mastering the basics 

06:00 Clarity on principles 

15:01 Commitment to your goals 

19:45 Creating directional goals 

24:27 Having the same goals as your partner 

32:00 Finding your power in relationships 

36:02 Outros 

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Transcript

Speaker 1 | 06;28;56;16 | 06;29;27;13 | Welcome back to another episode of Black Fly on Your Girl. It's Maureen. I'm Shannon Dixon. And today we are going to be getting back to the basic. Yes, you heard him here. I think this new season is a very interesting one. I think we've had you know, as I reflect on some of the past seasons, we've had like some really ambitious and exciting seasons. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;29;27;13 | 06;29;49;22 | And I feel like this season it's really more about like getting back to those basics because I don't know, I personally feel like I've gotten I've strayed quite a bit, but I've also learned a lot and I'm excited to get back to the basics, kind of to rebuild from there with this new knowledge. Yeah. What do you what about you? |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;29;49;23 | 06;30;19;28 | Well, as I say, I think it is I think that all of our thoughts and all of our accomplishments and all of our really life skills, I think that we have to acknowledge that there has to be a foundation that's there. And it's so easy to as you pick up more things, you try the things out and you experience different things to kind of lose sight of some of those things that made you success. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;30;19;28 | 06;30;40;08 | Wargaming the opportunity to do some of the things that you actually try to get to do. So for me, it is more about time acknowledging the eyestrain a little bit and that I need to get back to some of those things that gave me the opportunity to do some of the things that I was able to take on or go beyond in that role. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;30;40;19 | 06;31;27;14 | That makes sense. Over. Yeah, I'm totally curious. Like, why do you think you've strayed? Well, okay, so there's so much Oh, and look at well, so a couple of things. One, I'd say that having intense focus, I think I've definitely started to get to the point where I allow really a lot of things to affect me. I don't know if that's where they're looking for, but when you are focused on building, like, I feel like I had a very explicit rule set that I had delivered. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;31;27;14 | 06;31;53;27 | So it in, in, in building because I have a framework on which to build on. I was very narrow in my thoughts in what I did and what those things are. And as I built on to that and I'll just give an example, like in my finances, when I was working on on Dave Ramsey, it was having emergency bond pay off of that. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;31;54;07 | 06;32;22;17 | You know, those two steps are super focus. It's like or sake all else, right? And do those things. And then as you get beyond that, it's like, oh, I have opportunities. Oh, I can invest in this. I can start a business and do this. I can focus on career development here. And I don't think that I had a framework for how to really focus on specific growth. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;32;22;29 | 06;33;07;11 | So maybe it's it's not just about getting back to the basics. Maybe it's about intermingling or creating a framework that's tied into more of a organized, focused approach at everything else that makes sense. That's like ball of my head right now. Like, yeah, I'm not I, I'm trying to think about what that practically looks like because I, because I was wondering I had this question like, is the reason though for me at least is the reason that I have to go back to the basics because I did it mastering the basics. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;33;08;25 | 06;33;48;29 | That's the question that I had for myself because I didn't follow my rules once I got out of the basics. Yeah, that's that's true. I mean, I think I'm thinking about me kind of lying in that way, because I certainly I am a executioner like I am and do, do, do. And sometimes that do is like low short cuts that are like is, you know, not as deep probably as it needs to be. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;33;49;21 | 06;34;16;25 | And I could totally see that like, I think if I think of like I think I'm going to be restarting Dave Ramsey and you know, we've talked about Dave Ramsey, we've talked about Robert Kiyosaki, we've talked about this, the Orman, you know, we talked about all these financial gurus. But I think at least for me, the like, I didn't keep those practices. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;34;18;02 | 06;34;53;15 | You know, even when I thought I was beyond them. Right. And I don't think I had firm principles in place. So I think maybe for me, getting back to basics is really around like getting really clear about principles and like sticking to those principles. And I think what principles like for me, I can completely agree actually, when as you lay out here, as I'm thinking about my experience and I think it was really crisp what to do and what not to do early on. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;34;53;15 | 06;35;17;09 | And I think as I so we talked about going into the Robert Kiyosaki, I don't think that I put the framework around those decisions like I should have. And and this is hard for me because it's not just about finances. It's also about like how I think about my goals, whether that be career objectives or parenting. And all of those things are relationship. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;35;17;28 | 06;35;44;03 | I'm thinking about that when you get to like a Robert Kiyosaki, he's really kind of philosophical and he requires that you think about it. And so in that ambiguity, did I really fully flesh out a set of parameters for which I need to live? That's the question that I'm asking myself now. I'm like, No, I did it. Yeah, I made. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;35;44;17 | 06;36;10;26 | You did it. So I had an interesting conversation with my financial advisor the other day that really made me think about this. We were talking about real estate and I think real estate is important for every portfolio, no matter where you're particularly at. And one reason I think it's important is because in most of our cases is the most expensive expense that we have in our budget. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;36;11;24 | 06;36;41;12 | And so I think it's important to really be thoughtful about how you know where that money is going. But most people, when they think about real estate, they think about real estate in a cash flowing as the cash flowing mechanism right on the front end of their income earning potential. For me, I've always felt like real estate on the back end, like more of the tax benefit, like, you know, phantom cash and all of that. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;36;42;00 | 06;37;43;17 | And so with that, like that's, that was my philosophy. But I didn't make moves that reflected that philosophy. And when she started to ask me further about real estate in my, you know, lifestyle design, it was really that, you know, I actually want to be able to live in different places in so a traditional rental buy and hold probably doesn't make sense if it's like with a long term rental or me because I probably need to be doing something more like vacation real estate that maps to the type of lifestyle that I want to have rather than investing in a different way that doesn't support my overall lifestyle goals. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;37;45;03 | 06;38;10;25 | So I think, you know, when we talk about having a framework and like getting back to the basics, I think is really taking into consideration all of the things that we are doing are supporting this vision. And I also had that recently, like with work where I was like well over 70 hours a week and not really getting a lot of benefit from it. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;38;10;25 | 06;38;45;24 | And I was just like, Yo, that's actually not why I chose this path. I really chose this path because I wanted to have more time for family and to grow family and spend time with friends. And so, you know, this other piece is out of alignment of my framework as well. And so I think it's really about that, about getting back to what is that framework and how do you line up everything in your life in accordance with that so that if everything that you do is working towards, you know, your ultimate goals? |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;38;46;18 | 06;39;21;01 | Yeah, I think I think that's still key. You know, it's so funny that we say this though, because I'm thinking back to our earlier episodes and it was about focusing on what your goal was and aligning all those things. I wonder if there are just a few things that we missed in, in criteria, in more explicit solution and if you will, about how we keep that at the forefront, how we don't meander for something greater than that or outside of that parameter that we really evaluate every opportunity, every decision on that same criteria. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;39;21;02 | 06;40;05;14 | Does that make sense? But I feel like as I'm hearing a path through this, that we were we were so close, we just couldn't we didn't get all the things necessary really into that decision making process or to that framework. I feel at least for like for my goals, they're all discrete goals. Like there is a goal over here in finance, there is a goal over here or family a goal over here or career, not realizing that they're all interconnected, like your family goal could actually support your finance goal, and your finance goal can support your career goal and vice versa and all that. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;40;06;00 | 06;40;37;12 | I don't think I was thinking about it in that way with how do the different goals support one another interplay with each other. So it's interesting, though, that you said that because I've heard you say in other parts, though, that all of those things are very intertwined. Like when we interview, you know, our people on our on our show, we always talk about how their careers intertwined with who they are and how they grew up and how all that relate to one. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;40;37;25 | 06;41;06;13 | It's interesting that you didn't take that perspective into that planning. What do you think I do You feel like you acknowledge that in different areas. What do you think kept that disconnect or separate for you? And then yeah, I mean, thinking so so I did have a goal on one of my vision boards. It might have been my last one, but there was a goal. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;41;06;13 | 06;41;47;29 | It says $3.2 million and that is my fire number, the financial independence. Retire early. Number in. This is where the misalignment comes out, right? So that's my goal. And that that goal I create it so that I you know, that was the amount of money that I calculated that I would need in order to have like I think it was like $100,000, less than $100,000 a year to live off of. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;41;48;11 | 06;42;16;17 | But here's where that goal is problematic and not comprehensive of the big picture. There's also a family on that vision board. And then $3.2 million does not reflect the money that that family needs to be supported, nor is there anything included in that. Our travel lifestyle is that expanded that Like what was that number of how much I need to live, calculated, based. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;42;16;17 | 06;42;36;27 | So I bring this up, but I think that's an a belief problem about what you really thought you were going to attain. That to me says that you weren't all on the vision. Enzo, I'm going to tie this to you. So I actually I work for an organization. We have a we have a revenue model that we're going to make so much more new money for the year. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;42;36;27 | 06;42;56;28 | And then so I was talking to a coworker of mine and I was saying, Hey, you know, right now we are staff for the current revenue that we have today. And I said, Hey, if our revenue go is X and we're going to need so many more employees to hit this revenue goal, that if we're going to plan for this, we need to actually plan for this. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;42;56;28 | 06;43;14;05 | So employee is necessary to make this revenue in this case. And so he said to me, he was like, Oh, well, I think we can talk about that later. And I had to point out to him, I was like, Hey, are you saying you're saying one or two things? One is you don't believe we're going to actually make that goal. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;43;14;16 | 06;43;40;22 | So if you don't believe we're going to make that goal, you have to adjust the employee expense. Or if you do believe that we're going to make the goal, You're saying that we are not currently organized in a way that actually supports our income. And so I'm saying that to you because it really sounds to me as if you didn't believe in a portion of the goals that you rolled out because you were you didn't include that into your fire number. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;43;41;15 | 06;44;08;19 | And so were you really committed to those goals you laid out that they were actually achievable, that you could actually get there, or did you really believe in that number that you thought, hey, worst case scenario, I'm going to be by myself and this, but I need to be myself. So I just want to hear, as you put those two things together, what commitment that you really make. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;44;08;19 | 06;44;49;11 | Did you really not think that saving that money was achievable or did you not think that the rest of your goals and your desires that you had laid out were achievable? But it sounds to me like one of them. Was it maybe a little bit of all of that? But when I think about it, you know, I, I maybe I didn't believe that all of those things are achievable because a lot of those things are out of my control in terms of, you know, I would love to have five kids, but, you know, in my mind, but I don't know if after the first one, I'm going to be like, I only want one kid |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;44;49;11 | 06;45;16;15 | or if I'll even be able to have kids. You know what I mean? Like, actually, don't you know, there are so many uncertainties about the future. I think I appreciate that is a reality. But this wasn't your goal. This was. So it's but yeah, it's it's always lived like that. Hey, this is if you go to we're not sure but I think the other part of it is though bit of ignorance. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;45;16;15 | 06;45;49;16 | I don't know how much it costs for a family of six. You you need some numbers be added multiply your your grocery bill by four. So I think that's that's also it is total complete ignorance. And the combination of those two things makes for a very weak goals like unrealistic goal and to back it up, you know having this 3.2 million. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;45;49;16 | 06;46;18;08 | But I also don't have how the heck am I going to make that much money and in what time frame, Right. Like, so these are all the reasons I think my vision was for. Yeah, I could see that, but I think so. So with that being said with us, so our topic here was really, you know, what is it that we need to do to get back on track? |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;46;18;08 | 06;46;44;10 | I think it's kind of what I'm surmising from the session thus far. And so are you now. So, you know, 20, 20, you know, hindsight is 2020 and so are you now saying, hey, I should have accounted for all those things or hey, some of those things are becoming more realistic to me and and I messed up. Like, what are you saying in where you are now? |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;46;47;01 | 06;47;09;09 | So, you know, again and I think it's part of both of those things. I mean, I think because I didn't have the clarity of direction I've gotten so far off the pad, lying in a dig in my dug myself into a hole. And so I think part of getting back to the basics is like actually getting back to a neutral place. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;47;10;26 | 06;47;38;28 | But beyond that, that's something I've really been praying about. Like I'm a person who needs goals, like I need something that I'm working towards or else like, I don't know what the heck I'm doing right? And like in as we as evidenced by the experience, the goal that actually makes. And so I think that that's, you know, that's just what I'm in prayer about. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;47;38;29 | 06;48;15;16 | Like after getting back to the basics, like what does the framework need to be? And I think there are some fundamental things that need to be in place really in order to be able to do that well, like if marriage is in my future, I really cannot make these plans alone now. And so, you know, I think until I am married or until I'm in serious talks around having those conversations, I think just have to be creating kind of a nest egg for whatever the next chapter is. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;48;16;26 | 06;48;55;15 | Yeah, that's what I'm thinking right now. So having clarity on what that means, still get there. Directionally though, like I don't think so. If you knew at your fire number by yourself was 3.2 and that you desire children, I think it's perfectly fine to say I think you want to need three points, right? Or if you say, Hey, you know, I want to have you talk about investing in in Airbnbs or some kind of vacation rentals, I think it's logical for you to say, this is how I will contribute or what I will contribute to conversation with a potential life partner. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;48;56;22 | 06;49;12;21 | So what does that mean for my life? Like, I still think that you can I'll give it I'll give you a more explicit example. When I was in college, I went in as an education major, and at the time I was freaking 18. I was like, I know. I don't really know what it was, what I what I want to do. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;49;13;01 | 06;49;37;21 | So I looked at the so I was in the Education Department. I looked into curricula and I was like, What if these classes go across all the majors? So I'm not going to waste any credits, Right? And I do that through my sophomore almost junior year where I was like, All of these things apply. And as I started narrow it down, so by like sophomore year I was like, I think I want accounting finance somewhere in there. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;49;37;21 | 06;50;00;24 | So let me actually add these three classes on to something that I could take that wouldn't Spirit. So I'm saying with sales, I think that you can still set parameters around or at least that a directional goal that will be more accurate than just going, Oh, the only planning for myself because I have no idea of what, you know, my potential married future may look like, right? |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;50;00;24 | 06;50;28;02 | Or my potential future with motherhood may look like or my potential location. Right. So I just I would offer that perspective. I think you can still get better than where you are, where we are alone fired. Number two, having five kids and as a goal, I mean, but what's the tangible in my phone that like what is that? |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;50;28;16 | 06;50;54;00 | What are you actually belive your your goals to be other aspects of your life and give yourself grace to know that you don't know the explicit place that you're trying to get to you, but you do know directionally what you should try to get to. You may not make it, but I'm asking for the listeners and for myself. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;50;54;10 | 06;51;39;09 | What does that mean tangibly? So your buyer number is not three point whatever it it you're fired number something higher because you desire more responsibility in that independent space. So I give that as one example with the concept. You said, you know, you realize that you didn't tie your financial future plans with with your personal. I would say that A if you're like, I want to live more globally, but you have a partner that you have to consider, maybe it's that you prepare for being able to live with travel, but not necessarily picking the locations today, right. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;51;39;09 | 06;51;58;17 | That you can't say, Oh, I'm going to be in China, so it's going to cost me this amount. But you can say I need to be light in the in the things that I carry with me out in the furniture that I choose for where I live today would be another example that I threw up there. Does that make more sense, that more concrete for you? |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;51;59;10 | 06;52;27;20 | I mean, still, for me, it's I mean, I, I get them, but I'm just like still, I think I don't even feel like I could say if I or number. And I think, you know, along the lines I mean really all of the things on my vision board like I think there is a really there is a question like is your partner want those things too. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;52;27;28 | 06;53;02;02 | Yeah. And so I think, you know, the travel thing is something that's really important to me and has been on my vision board for a number of years and I made conscious decisions about my employment. I will say, let me ask you to make that happen before you get there. So my question would be the reality that I didn't consider is that I would be with a partner that doesn't have those same flexibilities and hasn't been more, or it's those same over the last several years as I have. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;53;02;28 | 06;53;25;24 | I would ask though, a different question. I just looked around. My my question to you is, could you be with a partner that did buy into at least some level some of those things that you started out as a desire? I think that if you really sat down and sat with it, you would discover there are things that are dealbreakers in your relationship that you can tie to you with. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;53;25;27 | 06;53;57;20 | There are things that you are less tied to, for lack of a better word, and that you know that there could be some flex in in what your partner would contribute. So I say I'm I guess I'm saying overall, I do agree that your partner will have some say in some of those things, but I think you will find if you really thought about it, that some of those things, at least directionally after come true for who you are. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;53;57;28 | 06;54;28;15 | We talked earlier in another episode about making your own space. I think that in relationship, whether that be in an life partner in even with your children or in your friendships, there are certain things that you will require just to maintain you in your space. And I think that you can commit to those types of things. Yeah, I, I agree with I agree with all of that. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;54;28;15 | 06;55;14;13 | But I, I think it's a simplistic view because, I mean, just because we're using travel as an example, I think that I don't have the most extreme perspective on travel or a fairly extreme view on travel and in theory, how it could look in life like being gone for two months to another country and then, you know, at the end of the year be gone for another two months to a different country again, mind you, I have not thought about how any of this will logistically work in terms of finances, work all that. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;55;16;01 | 06;55;56;27 | But in my mind, I think it's possible. But I think there is there is my thoughts and desires. There's reality somewhere on the spectrum, and then there's the constraints of my partner also on the spectrum. And I think you have to land somewhere, somewhere in there, right? I would venture to say on everything and so I don't know if there is this this idea of deal breaker, I don't know, at least on the travel example for me, that's not an example of one. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;55;56;27 | 06;56;19;22 | I think it's just a calibration per say. And then the other piece that I would add, which I think is why it's a little bit simplistic, is that we weren't talking about marriage. We're talking about being with someone for the next 30, 40, 50, 70 years. So are we not saying that it's going to be a part of our journey ever? |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;56;20;18 | 06;56;43;02 | Are we saying out of those 50 years it's going to be two of those where we're doing this? And so I think it's you know, it's easy to say, oh, this person doesn't believe in travel. I'm not going to be with them. But I think we really have to be more thoughtful about the context in which we're talking about here. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;56;45;20 | 06;57;08;20 | And it's hard to say what the next 18 years of your child's life is going to look like. You don't know what health challenges, what families circumstances are going to come about. And so I think even in that way, like I feel like I'm trying to plan for a lot of unknowns. So hope at the expense of going. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;57;08;20 | 06;57;33;14 | I think a little further off topic, I do hear you saying something greater, like like all of those things that you spelled out. I think those are circumstances when you were single, like you didn't know what your health would bring. You didn't know if your job would change or your career path would change, or if your desires would even change. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;57;33;22 | 06;58;03;07 | Like all of that to me, sounds like regular change. And so I guess I'm asking you, how is the relationship, how has this made your thoughts different? So I do hear something different that I don't think I've ever heard from you as far as being in control of your future plans and your your desires. Well, number one, I don't think I have. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;58;03;20 | 06;58;45;08 | Oh, I mean, I think that's the biggest thing, at least from for me, going from single to, you know, thinking about being in a marriage. It's not what I say or what I want is what's going to happen. There's gonna be a give and take. And just like I mentioned on another episode like Date for Choice, like is when we think about making space for another person, it's also making space in your dreams or in their dreams and their desires. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;58;45;08 | 06;59;08;15 | You know, hopefully your coming together with someone who's who has ambitions and has thoughts about what they're like, what they want their life to be. I don't think that it's ever going to be an exact match for another stranger you've met in the world. But I do think that you can create a third version that pulls and like really good ideas from both. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;59;08;18 | 06;59;40;25 | And it's an even better vision than what you could have done. I'm going to thing it wrong. I'm not saying that your your desires and everything will be completely reliant on you. What I am saying, though, is that I think either you were delusional when you were single, thinking that you had all the power, all the control over everything that could potentially happen, or you didn't realize and didn't realize that you didn't actually have the control that you thought you did, and thus the power to to make those goals. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 06;59;42;02 | 07;00;03;04 | And so how I would relate that is the person that you're in a relationship with today isn't a brand new person. It's not a person that you've never met before. And hopefully if you are in a state where you are serious and that you guys are actually thinking about a future together, that you're having conversations about what they desire, what they don't. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;00;03;04 | 07;00;25;29 | And so while your your future will never be explicitly all of above views about something, I think that you can still and then you need to still think about your goals. I think you still need to think about what the end result looks like or how what the steps are to achieving those things. I think those are all still very valid. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;00;25;29 | 07;00;47;04 | I agree with you and that you'll now be doing it with a partner. So it looks different, right? I agree with you that it will just be your complete view of how it will be. Maybe you'll travel, but you won't go to the location that you want to go to or or maybe you won't pick the color drapes that you want the color drapes to be. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;00;47;13 | 07;01;14;05 | But I think that you should still know enough to be able to make decisions and plans and to dream and to set goals and to do all of those things. And then it shouldn't be paralyzing that You can't say I can't do anything because I can't do it without the person that makes sense. It makes sense, but that's how I feel about how I'm okay with feeling that way. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;01;14;05 | 07;01;33;00 | But I want to Year five. I think this episode is important because it's it's a new like I am here in a completely different. But when it comes to setting goals, it's I think it'd be helpful for you to sit down and really think about what is change. And I think we all know what change is. I just moved there, right? |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;01;33;08 | 07;01;56;14 | I just have a serious relationship, but I am losing control is what I hear you say. So. So think about what that means and really think about the power that you do have. I think that that's important for where you are today. Yeah, I mean, that's the stuff for me to ponder on, for sure. Sure. And I hope you know. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;01;56;14 | 07;02;25;11 | Yeah, again, all the tea but how that this is something that shop and think about too and I think goes back to one of the one of the statements that I made earlier like in another episode you could do a lot of stuff as a single person, but there's, there are some things that like will only be tested in relationship, right? |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;02;25;11 | 07;02;47;21 | And so I think that it's important for us to to remember that like, there's only certain trials you're going to get in coupledom and you can only really know what you're going to do once you're in them. So. So yeah, that's all I got. That's why I forgot. And I didn't talk too much. But I did want to say this. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;02;47;21 | 07;03;16;14 | I experienced a similar thing in parenthood. I found out, oh, when I was younger, I had our business. I work really closely with a a person. It was like a recruiting situation. So I was like mentoring them. And this woman had children and I would get so mad at her internally, like, I never say anything, but we go out to eat and she would have like a nice meal and we get home and she'd give her kids those frozen dinners. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;03;16;27 | 07;03;45;14 | I just are so bad, like when I do. I was 20 somethings, no children, and now I'm like, I couldn't understand what she was doing. And I think in that same scenario that you talk about in relationships, that there are only some things that you can relate to that you're going to experience when you're actually in it. And so I think that is important for us to all kind of just keep it in the back of our mind as we hear people in their experiences, what they're going through. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;03;45;22 | 07;04;15;25 | That's I mean, you just got to go through that to understand and to figure out how you would really respond or the thing that really applies to you. So I think that's good advice overall. Yeah, you did see a lot of teen today, but I hope that we have someone who could be in a similar situation and to also just think about how you are setting goals and why you're setting goals and and how much really goals with all of that, all the thoughts that are in your head that you take into that that kind of activity. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;04;16;20 | 07;04;41;24 | Yeah. And I love what you said though I'm not there yet like how you're still getting directionally towards where you want to go. I still have to continue to ponder on exactly what that means for me. But if y'all figure it out, let me know. Jigger Although. And until next time are I am you girls finished? Nicole And I'm Shannon Dixon. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;04;41;24 | 07;04;43;12 | And we are black girl flying. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |