Move….Get Out The Way

Today on BGF, the ladies discuss making space for new family members and experiences. They also dive into losing and creating mental capacity, protecting your space when you live with others, and transitioning from being single to being in a relationship. We also learn that Ava’s partner likes bugs, and Tashaunda doesn’t have any stuff. 

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00:22 Introductions 

00:35 Making Space 

02:25 Creating personal space in shared spaces

07:39 How do you create your own space 

13:35 Making mental space for people 

17:40 Final thoughts on creating space 

18:12 Outros

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Transcript

Speaker 1 | 07;30;51;09 | 07;31;23;11 | Welcome back to another episode of Black Girl Planet. I'm Your Girl Remembering. And I'm Channel Dixon. And today we're talking about drum roll, please. The new. But remember that. Yeah, You said no sound. I can't do Roman, so I'm not going to have to do a drum roll that, you know. So I hope we're going to be talking today about making space. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;31;23;11 | 07;31;51;13 | And so I think we're just reflecting on some recent experiences about new living situations and new family members. Right. And so how do we make physical space, the new quantity of people in our lives and in our country find that that's really the topic of the day. When I heard you say that, I really thought a lot about that. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;31;51;13 | 07;32;22;21 | The space that you need to make it kind of personal. I'm a bit make sense, but like I think that I have allowed other things to crowd what used to be mine. And so so in my case is kids. The kids are everywhere. Kids toys everywhere. And it's not my sanctuary. If you will. And so because of that, I'm also losing mental space, you know, mental capacity, and it's kind of infringing on me. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;32;22;21 | 07;32;55;24 | So what I say makes me feel like, get out of here, you know? So I think about Ludacris. I get out of my way. Oh, I do. Oh, yeah. It's really about making that canvas space play. Like, how do you how do you make space for yourself in the midst of most of the growth, in the midst of the extra responsibility or extra, I'd say things invading your senses. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;32;56;21 | 07;33;25;29 | Yeah. I will tell you I struggle like I am like I know for me, notoriously like a loner because like, I need a lot of mental space, like I do, I feel like I'm very fragile. And so I do a lot to, like, protect my space and the things that influence me. And so, yeah, I think I just have a high sensitivity. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;33;25;29 | 07;34;01;04 | So in this new season, like I've moved in with my boyfriend in his life, he says a lot and I estimated the I mean, I knew it was going to be hard, like living with someone, but I did not think about like, how would I continue to protect or like create my, you know, mental space to just like, decompress and like, do the things that I have been used to and living by myself. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;34;01;09 | 07;34;34;06 | Yeah, I think what you said is so much deeper. Like when, when you think about moving in with someone, you think about, well, like they're like, you know, is it too much time together? But I don't think that I've ever thought about, like me having my own space within a shared environment. And that way that makes sense. Like, like I think that we think about more tangible things like a person will always be there or like, well, I like their habits, but I haven't thought about personally. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;34;34;06 | 07;35;17;20 | Like, how about the fact that it's no longer my space or my stuff or my environment or real example that their decor style is very familiar. Yeah, yeah, I did. I underestimated how much I would struggle with those things. Yeah. And, and right then I'm in that struggle right now because by I mean I lowkey had like a little panic attack the other day because like there is no space, physical space that I can go to to just like enjoy my things. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;35;17;20 | 07;35;49;15 | You know, I feel like kids, I throw right to the toilet anymore and I just love the energy from like my stuff and the things that I love around me and like pouring into me and and I don't I just underestimate how much I, like, put into like, put that practice into my life. Like even, you know, my essentialism journey and minimalism journey, like even the things that I wear and endure myself with. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;35;49;15 | 07;36;21;21 | Like I'm very intentional. That is something that I love because that's impacting me and I'm just like, you know, I think it's it's this stuff that you don't even like, not your right leg. My boyfriend's interests are so different. Literally, he likes bugs, like he's so many of his artworks are. But like, I was like, really dead bug, believe me. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;36;21;21 | 07;36;53;02 | So we got the frigging Constitution to be like, it's almost like it's, I think, just like, you know, in this experience I've come to, I mean, I appreciate our differences. I think that that's important, but I really too need a space. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to say I think I went through a similar transition. I do think it a bit different because I was in a different place in my life where I had like children and stuff. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;36;53;09 | 07;37;18;02 | But I remember when I moved, when I first moved to Charlotte, we lived in this condo and so that's why we actually bought a house and we're getting ready to move from the condo to the house. And we were packing up our stuff and I looked around. I was like, I don't have any contact with teen stuff. The kids, I was there, you know, I did the kitchen. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;37;18;12 | 07;37;53;17 | I, like, put away liberal, but I was like, Where is my stuff that was there? And and I do think that I have had to force my like having my stuff to really maintain this is who I am. This is, you know, that kind of, you know, I share part in this space. So it's interesting. Like, I think I think that you were kind of going through a similar situation now. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;37;53;17 | 07;38;22;26 | So we're talking about solutions and we're talking about getting there. I heard you say that I do need my own space, so I need a space that is for me. So what does that mean? Like like why? What would give you that sense of. Yeah, I mean, at first it started off with little things like, I need some drawers, but my it would be living at home suitcases, you know, I need space in the closet. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;38;22;26 | 07;38;45;23 | I need some room and a shoe rack. Like at first it was little things like that, but then it really became like, how can we? You know, because I think when you're living by yourself, like you have this organized chaos that makes sense to you. You money is so and, you know, one of my other loves is like organization. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;38;45;23 | 07;39;12;20 | And I got really addicted to like containers over the last quarter of my move, like trying to figure out how can I, you know, organize this move. So I got sober, addicted to containers and then the container store and like everything like Rainbow and don't don't let me get into it. But so the next step after I got like some little space, it was actually organizing like our common spaces. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;39;12;20 | 07;39;37;08 | So we started small with, like the bathroom room. And then we hit up the kitchen, which is the labor of love. Like those spaces, though, they're mostly his stuff, they feel more like ours because, you know, I understand the organization. I played a heavy hand in the organization and I use those things regularly. And so I think that was helpful. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;39;37;08 | 07;40;05;23 | But like now to the point where I'm like, we got three bedrooms. I would only one of these bedrooms. Yeah, yeah. But then didn't have to go back there very like, So why did your office and I need a space, I work from home like I need a space that because I'm here literally all the time. Yeah. So how did he want I want to ask you, how did you communicate that and then how did you receive it? |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;40;08;04 | 07;40;36;07 | We're still in progress. The communication. I'm back, but I mean, I think it was really we were going through that organization conversation. You know, we're really trying to space plan, like, do we need to move the bedroom into one of these different rooms? Like what is actually going to make sense with both of our stuff we landed on I mean, we're softly landed on he has an office and I have an office. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;40;36;07 | 07;41;03;19 | I'm a comma mine, a studio. It's can be a creative studio, but we are like part way through his office. And now the room that's supposed to be mine is quite a hot mess and has a lot of things in there that we didn't know was that needs at home that doesn't currently have a home. So I think that we still need to figure out like as I'm understanding, like how much stuff is actually in this house. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;41;03;19 | 07;41;31;01 | But I think how it can be organized in a way that makes sense. So that's what we're working through, room by room. It's security. In the last few months, this reference of staff, how long has he lived there before you actually moved in? Actually, no, that's a good question. I don't actually know. But the stuff that he has, he's had some of this stuff since he was born. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;41;33;08 | 07;41;55;26 | This stuff from like high school. You've got stuff from elementary school. He's he's got furniture and stuff from when he first moved to DC 15, 20 years ago. So so I mean there's he's accumulated a lot of stuff over the years. And at one point in my life I had a lot of stuff, but I made a conscious decisions. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;41;55;26 | 07;42;30;11 | When I was living in Baltimore, I made a conscious decision not to be literally weighed down by things. And so since then, like I have very little stuff and I'm not very attached to things either. Like I, I always tell people if there was a fire to break out in my house, there's like one box of things that I would be sad about that if you get burned up, you know, how big is this box and is not even my stuff. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;42;30;11 | 07;42;56;28 | Is the family heirlooms that I don't even know whose this stuff is really okay. It's the very small stuff that I've been entrusted with to carry. You don't even know who are your trust. Your trust. I know what you have first. Which part? But that's the one box that would be like. And I'm like, in my will is in, you know, a fireproof. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;42;56;28 | 07;43;25;16 | That's just in case, you know, I mean, fire does happen. I don't need that. But like, so so that's my attachment to things I think is also very different. And so that's some of the, you know, things we think about. But I find it interesting that I don't value stuff, but like I want space. So I think it's an interesting dynamic of this relationship between space and stuff, like making space not for stuff but for thinking. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;43;25;16 | 07;43;50;17 | And creativity for me is what's most important. Yeah, I could see that though. Like I didn't equate your need for space to be a need for stuff like it was to me. It was two very distinct different things that you were more trying to make space for yourself that didn't necessarily include what physical things were there. MM Yeah, Yeah. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;43;51;04 | 07;44;20;24 | So that's, I mean that's a little bit about, at least a little bit about what I've been thinking about in terms of making space. But I also like what you were talking about earlier in the episode around. I mean, I think it's like making mental space for people, but I, you know, before moving in together, we're a long distance and I think it's very easy to compartmentalize your relationship when you can kind of turn it on and turn it off and there's a time and place for things. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;44;20;24 | 07;44;43;09 | And so I think also I underestimated the amount of mental space that I would need to create or, you know, full time relationship That's literally around the clock you're having to think about. And so so, yes, I think all of that, in addition to all of the life that's been life and it's just been a lot like my life. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;44;43;09 | 07;45;21;12 | And yes, as usual, that is useful. But yeah, so I mean, I think if I had to say, I don't know, I really don't feel like I have advice on the topic. But as it relates to relationships, the thing that I wish that every single person would realize is that like, you know, I think single journeys are important and, you know, you need to do some personal development, but you can never, ever be ready for a relationship. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;45;21;26 | 07;45;45;27 | And the things that you need to do to be ready for a relationship are things that can only be done in relationship. And so, you know, I just want people, single people, to realize that like, don't be on your and five years single journey to get perfect because it's never going to happen. Like you got to test this stuff out in real time. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;45;45;27 | 07;46;10;24 | So I learned some of this stuff. I do hear you saying, though, and I and I believe that it's valuable to have the single time because I think that you were able to pretty quickly point out you were able to really quickly point out my space is important to me and that you understand that having that space gives you energy that you need, that you require that. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;46;11;01 | 07;46;35;13 | So I think that you brought your single self understanding of yourself to your relationship, and that is helpful in the idea that it's helping you to kind of call out your needs faster. But I think you would have been able to without that period. Does that make sense? Yeah. I mean, I think singleness is I really do think singleness is important for pointing out stuff. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;46;35;13 | 07;47;16;17 | Exactly like that, for getting to know yourself, but like to learn relationship skills. You need to be a relationship with people other than your girlfriends and your family. You know that you're you're allowed to. I did what I would do. Your house that was like, super comfortable. Say yes. So I tried to tell you a little bit like Lizzie, I have always had this vision that, like, maybe make this now that my husband will. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;47;16;17 | 07;47;39;11 | I live out in the country and I'll have my condolence, you guys when I go. I'm here to have that left thing. By the way, you guys are not cohabitating as husband and wife, I think is a thing. There have been a couple of weeks. I was like, I need another bedroom. He added a plate somewhere else, but I get it. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;47;39;11 | 07;48;09;18 | I totally get it. Dude. If it's hard, it. I think the single life to relationship is hard no matter which way you slice it. Oh, no. I mean, I think they'll be faced by men or women. It's it's a bit of a different NBA. Final thought on this idea of making space I mean for the babies or for relationship or. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;48;09;20 | 07;48;34;20 | I think it's it's one in the same. I think that in every phase of life you do need your space and I think that's what we're calling out here. I think that that was pretty clear that no matter whether it's a relationship or it's children, that you should have a have to have a space that's yours that you can gain energy from and to have the things that that give you joy in order to cultivate that spirit inside of you. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  | 
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Speaker 1 | 07;48;36;16 | 07;48;46;00 | Hey, man. All right, y'all. So that's it for the episode. And until next time, y'all, I am you girls. And he's Nicole. And I'm Shannon Dixon. And we are black girl Flag. |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |