Maintaining Balance in a Relationship

On this episode of BGF, Ava and Tashaunda dive into managing disagreements in relationships, the inevitability of differing viewpoints, and the value of understanding the 'why' behind them. They underscore the importance of effective communication and empathy. The key takeaways are the significance of understanding, communication, and self-awareness in maintaining a balanced relationship.

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0:42 Disagreeing With Your Partner
4:53 Sharing Your “Why”
10:33 Aligning Your Vision As A Couple
11:43 Benefits Of Couple and Individual Therapy
17:30 Self Exploration
19:05 Final Thoughts

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Transcript

Speaker 1 | 09;05;40;16 | 09;05;44;05 | Welcome back to another episode of Black Out Why I'm Negro if morning.
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Speaker 2 | 09;05;44;10 | 09;05;45;17 | And I'm shot addiction.
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Speaker 1 | 09;05;46;22 | 09;06;07;09 | And so today we're going to be talking about relationships. You know, one of our favorite topics. But this one is a bit of a dilemma. So tell me, Shonda, what do you do when you're in a situation with your partner and you're not just got to agree to disagree?
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Speaker 2 | 09;06;07;09 | 09;06;37;29 | Like I don't ask this. So here's a challenge, though. Like when you are in a committed long term relationship, you've got to acknowledge that y'all ain't always going to agree. It just I mean, you're going to have a point where you go one way, the other person goes the other way. And obviously I'm trying to figure out what do you do with that?
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Speaker 2 | 09;06;38;17 | 09;06;55;03 | Like like, like, how do you move forward? Like, what do you do to make that happen? I mean, in in any relationship, I don't care how alike you guys are, there's going to be a point where you guys just don't agree. Have you seen this do Yeah.
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Speaker 1 | 09;06;55;03 | 09;07;28;05 | So this is very interesting that you brought this up, because I found myself asking this question a few months ago and I was like, because I felt like we were always coming back. Right now we're always coming to this crossroads where we couldn't agree on something and, you know, when you get to that point, no one's happy and you end it and you end up just at least for us, we were just ending up going with one decision or the other and a person is still unhappy or the alternative was happening, happening where we don't move at all.
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Speaker 1 | 09;07;29;14 | 09;07;54;04 | So there's no progress on the thing and it just is that this like stalemate. But I would say the thing that has helped us for sure is by talking with a number of different people. But there's usually a third solution. There usually is a solution that is not either of yours that is better than both of those that your can agree on.
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Speaker 1 | 09;07;54;06 | 09;07;57;20 | And so I think informal terms explore that compromise.
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Speaker 2 | 09;07;58;23 | 09;07;59;16 | Or don't.
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Speaker 1 | 09;07;59;17 | 09;08;22;28 | Even. But I think it's more than that. Like, I think it's coming up with this beautiful solution that brings the best of both of your ideas together and a new idea. And so compromise to me always feels like you're giving something up. But this third solution to me feels like it. It's better than what you both individually came up with.
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Speaker 2 | 09;08;23;13 | 09;08;33;17 | Yeah, And also I think it's helpful even in understanding this, that it's not yours or your partner's. It's this thing that you guys came up together. It's kind of like you.
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Speaker 1 | 09;08;33;17 | 09;08;33;27 | Have.
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Speaker 2 | 09;08;34;06 | 09;08;37;18 | Your baby together versus your individual babies.
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Speaker 1 | 09;08;38;07 | 09;08;49;18 | Exactly. So I think and think it sounds it sounds a lot easier when you say it like that, but I can give some real examples over here.
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Speaker 2 | 09;08;50;00 | 09;09;02;14 | I'm like, I'm like, wait. Like, I do feel like somethings are black or white. Like, show me, show me an example where you feel like it seems pretty black or white, but there's thing was like out of the box.
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Speaker 1 | 09;09;02;25 | 09;09;20;19 | Yeah. And I mean, we had a number of be stand still moments but and I kind of had different solutions so I think one of them was don't get too much detail on this, but one of them we had this really like firm idea, both of us, about these gender roles and how they would play out in relationships.
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Speaker 1 | 09;09;20;19 | 09;09;33;09 | And, you know, I was very adamant about my approach. My partner is more like, let's let's collaborate, let's make you like a 5050 type person where.
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Speaker 2 | 09;09;35;11 | 09;09;35;21 | I'm.
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Speaker 1 | 09;09;36;00 | 09;09;57;21 | Like, No, we got a gender role bespoke, but we so we were we've had a couple of span skills based on, you know, that base level of foundation that we believe in. So one which was pretty big. And I'm trying to share with sharing to.
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Speaker 2 | 09;09;57;21 | 09;09;59;29 | You, but.
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Speaker 1 | 09;10;01;19 | 09;10;27;17 | I do know you're correct, but what ended up happening, like we kept revisiting the same conversation. Same conversation, but eventually I actually just shared the why behind it sounds so simple, but like, like my beliefs and the values, but the origin of where that value came from and the experience and the emotion that it creates for me right now.
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Speaker 1 | 09;10;27;20 | 09;10;36;11 | And from there, he was able to understand it in a different way. And he was then okay. By okay, I understand your point of view.
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Speaker 2 | 09;10;36;12 | 09;10;50;05 | You know, it's funny you because I just took a training on crucial conversations and that's literally the cornerstone of okay in your way is the cornerstone of having you're so critical conversation and it's basic.
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Speaker 1 | 09;10;50;05 | 09;11;22;16 | Yeah. Yeah. And I'm putting this out here because I, I've been doing I've been doing a lot of communication and training specifically because I realized I did not have any growing of my zero relationship communication. And, you know, there's a lot of evidence around this, but the Shonda think about the number of people in our family who get to physical blows like these people do not know how to communicate with each other.
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Speaker 1 | 09;11;22;19 | 09;11;24;01 | So it escalates to.
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Speaker 2 | 09;11;24;18 | 09;11;26;09 | First words, cursing out, calling.
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Speaker 1 | 09;11;26;18 | 09;11;48;28 | Them cursing, Right? Four little words. Exactly. But I just realized I had no training around communication. And so that's something I need to work on. And so that's kind of how I came to that understanding, Oh, I need to share the lie. I see the basic stuff. But so that was one example that I was thinking.
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Speaker 2 | 09;11;49;12 | 09;11;59;20 | And so you when you hear the why in that, though, did you guys come to an alternative that was different? Yeah.
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Speaker 1 | 09;12;00;13 | 09;12;23;05 | So what ended up happening is that she agreed with me, but I also had so much empathy for him and so I ended up in stepping up in a way that I didn't originally anticipate doing. So yes, we ended up coming up with a third solution in that because I think we just appreciated the humanity of one another.
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Speaker 1 | 09;12;23;20 | 09;12;24;24 | Okay. Mike.
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Speaker 2 | 09;12;24;26 | 09;12;27;20 | And that ultimately it wasn't about winning, it wasn't about.
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Speaker 1 | 09;12;27;23 | 09;12;44;10 | Race, it wasn't about my thing, his thing, but it was like, Oh my gosh, he met me here. He saw me like, how can I do that for him? Right? And so I don't know. That is so I would just wonder if that is something that you could apply to whatever your situation.
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Speaker 2 | 09;12;44;16 | 09;13;19;23 | It definitely is. And I think that when I hear about our argument, I mean I mean, I think this is for everyone. When you're in a committed relationship, you guys have already made the decision that you guys want to be in each other's lives for a longer period of time. And so I think that we sometimes forget that like like generally, if you have a disagreement, there's something rooted in why you're so, I guess coupled to that being or why why it's driving you, it's something usually rooted in something that is more personal and has had an impact on your life.
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Speaker 2 | 09;13;19;29 | 09;13;44;29 | And I do. I think that if you actually get to the why, it creates that needed empathy to actually have a thoughtful discussion so that you guys can get to something that is is going to meet the needs for both you guys. At least, you know, one person will realize, oh my, why is it so, so profound? And then I can take that on and it won't be like it.
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Speaker 2 | 09;13;45;02 | 09;13;51;04 | All right. It feels like I'm actually supporting my partner. I think that and that that empathy.
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Speaker 1 | 09;13;52;04 | 09;14;21;23 | Yeah. I mean, does that's been the biggest lesson for me. I think some other some other solutions is I mean, a big one was around our housing and like I hate where we live and you know so adamant about moving you know, we live in the suburbs and like I need to live in a walkable area. I need to be because I don't have a car and I don't want to get a car.
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Speaker 1 | 09;14;21;24 | 09;14;52;02 | All these things. So that's been a big one for us. But one day I just had this wakeup call. Like, number one, I'm so grateful that we live here. It's quiet like it's it has enough space for us, like all of these things, like it's reasonable and budget, like these are my partner, so thoughtful. He's talking about all its things, but those are not things that I would have prioritized because I come from chaos.
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Speaker 1 | 09;14;52;02 | 09;15;16;01 | I'm a I'm a child of chaos. So but like, oh my gosh, he has all of these things, these things that I need and I'm so appreciative of that. But I also was like, Oh, and we can also create a community here. Like there's a church nearby that I really like and I was like, Oh, we could be here in like just build in the peace.
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Speaker 1 | 09;15;17;07 | 09;15;22;20 | And I kind of just came to that. But it was something we were at a standstill at. For many.
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Speaker 2 | 09;15;23;02 | 09;15;29;14 | The lack of my posse. I think you were still like, We need to go now.
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Speaker 1 | 09;15;29;14 | 09;15;41;03 | I'm like, Hey, we were talking how long we would be here. I was like, We can move next to your end of the year. He was like, Next year, top of the quarter ounce, like, Oh, I'm.
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Speaker 2 | 09;15;43;15 | 09;15;47;28 | A oh, yeah, okay.
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Speaker 1 | 09;15;48;18 | 09;16;00;23 | But so maybe in that no, it's just about the time to really, you know, creating time to really think about it. And I understand the situation well.
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Speaker 2 | 09;16;00;23 | 09;16;14;14 | I think it's also like I heard you say, I don't know if you realize you said this to you, but it's also about aligning your vision as a couple, like what is actually important to you? What do you value? Like, like, what are those things?
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Speaker 1 | 09;16;14;14 | 09;16;17;14 | Let me pause here. I still want to get to the city issues.
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Speaker 2 | 09;16;18;13 | 09;16;32;22 | Do I feel like he, when he let it be known that he understood you and your needs and this place met you and your need? Yeah. You can't deny that. Like you're like, all by yourself. But you still.
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Speaker 1 | 09;16;32;25 | 09;16;43;10 | This is everything that I need right out here. So you're absolutely correct. Yes, that is true. That is true. That is true. You would have done that.
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Speaker 2 | 09;16;43;11 | 09;16;46;12 | Everything I'm just saying, this person.
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Speaker 1 | 09;16;46;18 | 09;16;47;25 | Being so powerful.
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Speaker 2 | 09;16;48;18 | 09;16;52;08 | It really is. Yeah.
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Speaker 1 | 09;16;52;27 | 09;17;27;23 | I mean, I think that's that's been our thing. Listen, yeah, we've had a lot of these and I was just saying the other part that I dropped in there, it's that therapy. Go therapy, you know, couples therapy in individual therapy, you guys to do to work. I think that's another piece of it. This that cannot be ignored because, you know, between our conversations, we're each able to have these realizations on our own and get to more rationalization and unpack our own stuff.
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Speaker 1 | 09;17;28;01 | 09;17;52;26 | And I think all of that helps move forward. Like when you are at a place where you cannot agree, you have a trusted person, you can bring this issue to to get another perspective that your trust, right? So I think those external resources are important. But I want to emphasize make sure they're the right. I don't think it should be.
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Speaker 2 | 09;17;54;26 | 09;18;07;13 | Who hate you, who hate your partner anyway. It's not right like certain kind of. He's been divorced for 82 years and being all alone together. Yes.
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Speaker 1 | 09;18;07;19 | 09;18;12;01 | But I think that perspective is important. But it's been really helpful to.
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Speaker 2 | 09;18;12;01 | 09;18;35;11 | Have this funny note. So I was having a conversation with somebody and I just got into an argument and they said something to me and I was like, Yeah, that sounds like you real saying Look like, but that's a bad choice. Don't do that. No. So yeah, you got to be careful what you listen to.
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Speaker 1 | 09;18;36;14 | 09;18;51;06 | Yeah. And for me, yeah. No, I'm already in private person. So for me, I'm like somebody who has our confidentiality, like by law to me to. All right, It's like a really annoying.
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Speaker 2 | 09;18;52;11 | 09;18;57;19 | I don't think I'm here, but it's rare that actually.
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Speaker 1 | 09;18;59;01 | 09;19;19;23 | For me, that's important. Like, and especially because we have different praying groups, but I'm like, especially for me, I think that's so important. I think you can get mentorship and things from other folks, but when it's really talking about our relationship and our challenges, I think that's to go to pay professionals for that.
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Speaker 2 | 09;19;23;03 | 09;19;28;20 | But what do you say for people who can't afford to pay professionals? Like what's the action there? I mean.
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Speaker 1 | 09;19;29;24 | 09;20;01;02 | I would challenge that. I think it goes back. We had a episode talking about first things first, like if your relationship, if you're married and you have kids and your relationship is not your priority, what are you doing? And so are there things that you should be spending less on? Because I think we're so quick to say, Oh, I don't have time or I don't have the money, but where are you spending your money and where are you spending your time?
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Speaker 1 | 09;20;01;02 | 09;20;12;02 | And how does that line up? Your relationship is the most important thing in your life. Your finances should reflect that such and so I just challenged that.
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Speaker 2 | 09;20;12;02 | 09;20;15;28 | That was a right that I would use that. And I hate that advice.
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Speaker 1 | 09;20;15;28 | 09;20;23;18 | You know how I am. How long would you say it's going to like in reality?
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Speaker 2 | 09;20;23;25 | 09;20;31;12 | I think it is. And it really that to me just aligns the priorities conversation. First thing's for sure, right?
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Speaker 1 | 09;20;31;29 | 09;21;05;21 | Okay. And I think that it doesn't have to be right. Like I saw a couples thing, it was like $7,000 arrival that I fancy, but I'm like, it doesn't have to be that right. It can be if this starts much smaller or, you know, there are individual therapist and they charge, you know, whatever they charge. But there's a range like some of them are charging 300 an hour or so, my charging $100 an hour, and some are charging $20 an hour.
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Speaker 1 | 09;21;06;08 | 09;21;27;16 | And so I think for us, we for our couple stuff we try to do, you know, between four and six we have a session and so you can time it. So that is more reasonable. We can see if they have payment plans, like if you really want to make it work, you can make it work. The thing is that if you don't have that will I can't make you have that.
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Speaker 1 | 09;21;27;26 | 09;21;46;06 | And so you have to have that there. Yeah. So what would you say? I'm curious your thoughts. I mean, I know you have some things we all agree to disagree. What has worked for you all and or what are you all stuck on?
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Speaker 2 | 09;21;47;09 | 09;22;06;23 | Yeah. So I want to say, well, the thing that came up for me that that made this hit home for me is we were actually having a discussion and the thing came up that that comes up a lot and something that I thought we got past, I thought we had resolved. But it was apparent to me that at when I reflected on it, that it had come up several times.
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Speaker 2 | 09;22;08;04 | 09;22;35;00 | And so I think I think this is a big one. And so I would say that I hadn't resolve this issue with my partner. But just listening to this conversation and thinking about what I missed is I really don't think that I share the why that this is important to me for this reason. And this is, I think, important in really aligning that to our relationship, our goals, our relationship and all of those things.
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Speaker 2 | 09;22;35;27 | 09;22;43;23 | And so I'm actually thinking about just how I could break this conversation. And to that one, that's my idea.
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Speaker 1 | 09;22;45;01 | 09;23;09;04 | And I want and I want to go back to that conversation. That was our first time having a conversation about the why where we had the breakthrough, but it was the actual authentic. Why? Because the first time we had the conversation, it was so surface level, but the second time, like it was like, that's all I was saying.
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Speaker 1 | 09;23;09;04 | 09;23;39;15 | The emotions like truly unpacking for you why this is important, like now because, oh, this is was supposed to be this were always my expectations. But now really go back into your mind like who taught you this? Whether it was intentional or not intentional, why do you still carry this? And sometimes I think in that self exploration you might realize, Oh, this is dumb, this is silly, I shouldn't be carrying this anymore.
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Speaker 1 | 09;23;39;18 | 09;24;01;29 | It doesn't matter. But then the other thing might happen too, where you're like, you're double down on it and be like, Oh, this is really important to me. And this is why. And that's what ended up happening for me in that scenario sharing. But that other thing has happened to the other scenario where I was like, Oh, it's is silly.
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Speaker 1 | 09;24;03;01 | 09;24;08;17 | So that was the conversation about where we live. It's like, well, this is stuff like this is actually.
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Speaker 2 | 09;24;08;17 | 09;24;14;21 | Started out okay. All right. Dr. A in the building.
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Speaker 1 | 09;24;15;16 | 09;24;29;15 | Yeah. No, no, I need your help. But I need your help for therapy, everyone. So I've been using better help, and so we need to get some promo codes.
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Speaker 2 | 09;24;29;17 | 09;24;38;17 | Going to say, Yeah, way, way, way to do that. What, you like better help, right? We're going to go. Yeah. No, no, no.
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Speaker 1 | 09;24;38;17 | 09;25;03;17 | I've really been enjoying the platform, the ease of use, and you can select your therapist. If you don't like the person you're matched with. Like you can choose another one. They also have these group therapy platforms, like sessions that she can sign up for every week. And that's where I've been really focused on communication. Like every group session I take, it's focus on communication and relationships.
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Speaker 1 | 09;25;04;09 | 09;25;30;24 | Okay? And I've been just learning through that. Yeah, I know. I love YouTube University. This is like YouTube University on steroids because it's real life and you get to hear multiple different scenarios and so highly, highly recommend. Don't put some links in the show notes, you know, just to check it out. Better some insurance cover it. Yeah, I think they accept some insurance.
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Speaker 1 | 09;25;30;24 | 09;25;34;10 | It's you first.
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Speaker 2 | 09;25;34;22 | 09;25;36;23 | Of all, I think you said a word.
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Speaker 1 | 09;25;37;24 | 09;25;51;20 | Yeah. Oh, yeah. So until next time, you better help see her later. Oh, you girl. Every until next time. I'm your girl, Marie.
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Speaker 2 | 09;25;51;28 | 09;25;53;00 | And I'm trying to take some.