Parenting

On this episode of BGF, the topic of parenting and the influence of past traumas on decision-making is discussed. Ava and Tashaunda share personal accounts emphasizing the theme of "overcorrecting" in parenting due to past experiences. The discussion also touched on societal expectations and gender roles, with the hosts reflecting on the importance of self-awareness and introspection.

CONNECT WITH US
Website: www.blackgirlflyofficial.com
Email: hello@podcast2impact.com
Instagram:  @blackgirlflyofficial

0:55 Overcorrecting In Parenting

9:03 Understanding Your Own Trauma

10:40 Building New Parenting Habits

11:47 Trauma responses In Relationships

13:27 Teaching Skills Without Trauma

17:16 Giving Parents Grace

20:36 Final Thoughts 

BGF Products here

Join Robinhood with my link and we'll both pick our free stock

I'm using Acorns and I love how easy it is to save and invest for my future. Join me and you'll get a free $5 investment!

Click here to receive Southwest Rapid Rewards

Click here to learn more about Gusto Payroll

Mortgage Connects, an MGIC Podcast

AVWeek
Weekly news on IT/AV, supply chain, UC, & more.

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

The Unlocking Growth Show
The show where we unlock the secrets to scaling your...

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

All Business. No Boundaries.
Welcome to All Business. No Boundaries, a collection of supply chain stories by DHL...

Listen on: Apple Podcasts

All Business. No Boundaries.
Welcome to All Business. No Boundaries, a collection of supply chain stories by DHL...

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

Transcript

Speaker 1 | 08;40;31;21 | 08;40;35;01 | Welcome back to another episode of Black Reply on Marine.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;40;35;10 | 08;40;36;14 | And I'm Tom Dixon.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;40;37;24 | 08;40;46;21 | Today we're going to be talking about parenting, and I don't have kids, so this is going to be me taking some notes and lessons, getting prepared. Okay.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;40;47;01 | 08;40;49;11 | Great. I think you got it. I think you got one day.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;40;49;11 | 08;40;57;14 | One day, one day. So we're going to talk about not overcorrecting in your parenting. And so just drop that knowledge on this show.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;40;57;23 | 08;41;04;09 | But what I meant to do actually came from a conversation I was having someone what I find is that guys.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;41;04;15 | 08;41;04;24 | We.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;41;04;25 | 08;41;31;21 | Have all been scarred as people and our experiences in life and whatnot. And you you have to be cognizant, not put your kids in a position where you go way the other way. So, yes, it's great not to be like your mom, your daddy or your uncle down the street, but you have to be very hyper aware of what you do.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;41;31;22 | 08;41;59;22 | And I'll tell a story, though. Here I was working with a new person and we had to probably get to know him. And in the conversation it started off small, just talking about her son, and she was saying, Oh my son has a problem with money. That was kind a thing. And that's outside of that. And so later on and little hints just kept getting crossed about or some money and those things and whatnot.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;42;01;04 | 08;42;22;05 | And and later on in the discussion, I found out that not only was he like bad with money, but she was a pawn, him and his girlfriend and like paying all the bills. And he's in college, he's calling her for spending money and she was laid off for over a year. And so it wasn't about money for me.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;42;22;05 | 08;42;45;04 | And so I actually after I said, you know, I'm not you know, the money is bad. Well, it's bad, but it's that the concerning thing I said to her. And what's more concerning is he had no empathy for your situation, that during this time where you were taking care of him, he didn't stop to say, Mom, what's your job?
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;42;45;04 | 08;43;20;27 | Maybe she can't afford to do this. And that was the more alarming thing. And so she and I began a conversation about it, and I realized that there are things in my life that I have overcorrected for and that it all kind of stems from challenges or traumas that you all experience. So one one big one for me is I am very cognizant not to have my kids taking care of my other children like so much so like my, my now she's seven, my seven year old wants to do things for us and I'm like, Stop it, You are not the mother.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;43;21;03 | 08;43;42;03 | Don't do that. You were not the mother. And this came up as a big thing. And I really didn't think about it until I was talking to my partner. And he's like, They're playing with their siblings. They're not taking care of him. We're right here. And I was like, And it came from. So in the conversation we had to get.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;43;42;03 | 08;44;02;28 | But he and I were going back and forth and I was like, Wow, this came from my own childhood trauma of really having to be a parent, a sibling. And so that was for me, one thing, I step back and I'm like, okay, let me be more aware of the burdens that I carry and those are my children.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;44;03;26 | 08;44;35;24 | And so by the year you're talking about that because I distinctly remember having a conversation with you when you were pregnant with the now two year old and I was like, Oh, it's going to be so much easier now because the older kids are older and like, they can help out in like they're more self-sufficient. Because I remember when those older two were young, trying to get them out the door and lowered in GCSE to under two.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;44;35;24 | 08;44;38;17 | Yeah, they were hard though.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;44;39;19 | 08;45;02;20 | So the struggle was real, trying to literally get out of the house and like that one running around with the diaper on the floor and the other one trying to put the pants on. And I was like, Oh, it's going to be so much easier now because the two can dress themselves in like then you can they can get the bag and like, you know, and you were like, No, but they're not going to be raised, right?
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;45;04;06 | 08;45;15;16 | No, but I mean, which I think the kids should be kids. And I was just like, okay, but I just live that.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;45;15;20 | 08;45;19;15 | But my yeah, yeah.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;45;20;06 | 08;45;36;13 | And I know when you have raised me so traumatized, I do not have this thought process. I'm like, I was always like, can I have a younger sibling so I can boss them around and, like, make them do all my jaw? It's funny. So I would.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;45;36;15 | 08;45;58;23 | Delay my butt, but I had a different experience like I remember. And it didn't come like even into my teen years, I would do college and I thought like, like it was like I was like, I got to get out of here. I got to get out as soon as possible because my sister needs to go to college and I have to help her get the college.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;45;58;23 | 08;46;28;07 | Like that was very real to me as an 18 year old and I made choices based on that thought process of I had to get out, I had to make as much money as possible. I told everybody about how I chose my major in college, and the root of that was like, I am all about retelling story. But as a as a freshman, I actually I went to school to become a teacher.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;46;28;21 | 08;46;54;05 | I was like, I love to teach people, you know, I really enjoy seeing, you know, the bright lights in eyes when they when they accomplish something, when they figure it out. And I really wanted to be a teacher. I was like, I'm going to go to school. I'm going to be a teacher. And I got to school and I went to the career office my sophomore year in my sophomore year, and I was looking at the salary guide and they have like teacher always at the bottom.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;46;54;05 | 08;47;20;02 | I was like, Oh crap, this is where I get my sister to college, all that. So I literally like when I say I looked at the top of the list. I went to number one and it was like I salary engineering, and I was like, I mean, I barely made it out of science back then. You back. And then the next one was like, by me and no, I'm sorry, which one was the next one was accounting excellence at accounting.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;47;20;16 | 08;47;45;03 | And I changed my major to accounting and I went to my first what was my second calculus class where they it was a requirement for accounting. And I bombed that thing. I was like, God, grab, I got to do calculus. And so I literally after going to that class, I went back to the career office and the next one was finance.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;47;45;03 | 08;48;07;04 | And I saw finance didn't require that capital. And so finance became my major and it was all fueled by this. I need to get out of college fast and I need to make so much money and even so much so I tell everyone this to I don't know. I don't know how recently I said it. I didn't have one extra credit like I had worked it out.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;48;07;04 | 08;48;31;17 | So I didn't waste any time. I actually graduated a semester early without doing summer school. For the first three years, I did summer school one year oh when I was in college and I still managed to graduate early. I didn't waste one credit because I was very intent on. I had to get out of here because my sister needed to go to college and I believe that was 18 or 22 guys like.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;48;32;18 | 08;48;34;03 | And I used.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;48;34;03 | 08;48;35;21 | To say, We're so different.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;48;35;21 | 08;48;56;18 | That's so radically different for you. But I but I see those things in my children and I'm like, No, no, we're not going there. I don't want you to carry that same burden that I carried, although I didn't pay everything right to go to college for three year. I did that, actually, but I got out before she went in.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;48;58;19 | 08;49;06;17 | But so what? So I guess what is a lot like when you're overcorrecting? I mean, every day.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;49;06;25 | 08;49;31;21 | It's more about you can't get the diapers right, though. So one I'll say in yourself, if you're looking at yourself as a parent, I'd say it's recognizing your own traumas and being real with yourself about the experiences that you had in life. I've met a lot of people who have been molested by family members. I've met people who had to raise their own children or raise their siblings.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;49;31;28 | 08;49;58;16 | I met people who came from nothing and I look and the people who came from a lot of things. And so I'd say first, if you recognize it within yourself, it's more about just being self aware and really working through your debt. Like you talked about going accountable and talking to someone about it, making sure that you're aware of of who you are and your experiences, your life experiences.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;49;58;23 | 08;50;19;02 | And then I'd actually say to you, I think that you can also help other people in noticing it in their selves. I don't know if you noticed this in your story, but my response to you was way like a height. Like, like when you said, my kids can help them because I responded to you that way. That was an indicator that you triggered something in me.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;50;19;02 | 08;50;39;11 | Right? And so I think that you can also help your friends, help your close family, help your siblings to see that in themselves. When someone responds to you like that, like by that was way up. There have to be something else that goes with this that has caused you to believe this thing that you believe or to to do this thing that you are doing.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;50;39;11 | 08;50;43;23 | So I think those are really how you can see it in yourself and how you can see it in others.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;50;44;28 | 08;51;05;13 | Yeah, I love that. So how do you correct like once you recognize that, like kind of you, I guess. How do you get the habit to not overcorrect and like, build a new habit to respond differently? Yeah. I mean, for you, for me, it's.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;51;05;13 | 08;51;38;04 | About being aware, like, because now every time I ask him to do something or ask at the either of my girls to do something I'm very aware of, What am I asking? Where I believe this falls on that spectrum when. And so I just think it's about being a little bit more perceptive, more aware of, like I said, of being aware of who you are.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;51;38;09 | 08;51;47;12 | And that will trigger when you're in communication about those things. I get to pop up, you'll you'll recognize it in the moment and then.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;51;48;05 | 08;52;12;06 | Yeah, because you made me you make me think about, I mean, similar, like I'm working through a lot of the traumas that I have, but how they play out in relationships and like for some of them it actually still is. It's like still the same actions or like, you know, still the same thing I would do as a trauma response.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;52;12;06 | 08;52;31;15 | But like, the intent has changed, if that makes sense. So so like you said, this is a terrible example is that actually it's a real example. But so like I have a belief that men are supposed to take trash out. It is just that.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;52;31;19 | 08;52;35;15 | They believe that I want to about both. But this but.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;52;35;15 | 08;52;43;05 | This bears something distinctly that was taught in our house growing up, like even though we lived in a house full of women. So make it make sense.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;52;43;06 | 08;52;50;01 | Everything. A lot of my boyfriend said to take out our trash, but he said, Come over just so you can take out the trash.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;52;50;01 | 08;53;18;03 | Just say, Oh, trash in my Atlanta. And I do. I'm like, But that's something that we were explicitly taught now. But that that is it. It makes sense is just the thing is, I mean, let's call it a trauma response is this just is ingrained in us. But even though I've dealt you know even after I've dealt with the oh, okay, this doesn't actually make sense, I still want my man to take out the trash.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;53;18;17 | 08;53;41;23 | So, like, we actually he said, he's saying, you realize everything that's in the trash is stuff that you've already touched to put in there. Same thing. But I still do think that's trash. So I'm like, like even after you've unpacked, like, oh, this is a trauma response. Like, I've dealt with this. The action is still you still want the same thing to happen.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;53;41;23 | 08;54;10;16 | So I think it's okay to like, still want the kids to I don't know. You know, I was thinking this specifically for your parents because like a lot of a lot of the things that they will learn in, you know, playing with the kids, even starting to take care of them, will serve them as they grow up. And, you know, they know how to change a diaper like these are really important skill sets and valuable skill sets for them to have growing.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;54;11;15 | 08;54;31;09 | But if you can decouple your trauma from, oh, they want to change a diaper, like they can still change that diaper and get value from that. I remember in high school there's a guy she had never held a baby and so like I remember watching him hold the baby for the first, like, do you want it to be so high school?
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;54;32;09 | 08;54;53;06 | They were held babies. I didn't No, this is funny, but I'm sorry. I feel like I don't know. I think it was what I had. Erin. I can't remember who it was, but they were like, I've never actually held a baby this small before. Like, I've held like a one year old, but I've never held a baby. And I was like, Hey, no, it's not your baby.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;54;53;12 | 08;55;09;29 | And I was here sitting here teaching the grown man at the baby. I mean, same thing with kids doing laundry in college. Half the guy says It was amazing to me that all the women knew how to do laundry. None of the men knew how to do their own mind. I was like, What are we doing this pants?
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;55;09;29 | 08;55;12;12 | God, It's like, Yeah.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;55;13;15 | 08;55;27;11 | So I think that, like, you have to decouple that because some of those skills are really valuable. Like if they're learning how to cook for the whole family, like that's a valuable skill set that they can take with them later in life.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;55;27;22 | 08;55;46;23 | Yeah, I think that's amazing. Now, now I'm thinking about the gender roles. Like I'm up a fire thing going like housing, like I think about Cube, like I know so many women who learn how to cook at the child, but all these men had to figure it out as an adult because their parents didn't make them because that was a woman's thing, right?
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;55;46;23 | 08;55;48;24 | Like, but who's going to feed them when they have no.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;55;50;06 | 08;55;59;17 | Yeah. So I mean, when it comes to the trash thing that we were talking about earlier, like, are you going to take out the trash or is your one son going to be the one taking out trash.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;56;00;04 | 08;56;02;11 | And they leave the house? Who's going to take out their truck?
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;56;03;17 | 08;56;27;04 | They're going to have boyfriends just so they can take get their trash, though. So I think so. I think what you're saying, like deal with the trauma. But like I think we also just need to reexamine the actions themselves, like to see if this makes sense or what you your long range goals are, right?
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;56;27;14 | 08;56;29;13 | Yeah. Yeah.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;56;29;25 | 08;56;33;01 | That's my take away. Any other gems when leave with the people?
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;56;33;11 | 08;56;44;24 | No, I like it. I think that said it and I'd say to like know that you have them so guys if you say no I got really you not looking close enough I can.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;56;45;14 | 08;56;53;25 | As you were talking I was like anticipating I got a lot of trauma so I'm anticipating that I could as oh, it's an import.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;56;55;23 | 08;57;15;15 | I mean, guys like this is it. I'm gonna say this, though. We all have things. I was talking to someone my lot, actually. We were talking about my mom and she said to me, she said, Shonda, I notice that you're not like angry at your mom at all, like things. And I was like, So couple of things happened to me.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;57;16;16 | 08;57;16;27 | Yeah.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;57;17;11 | 08;57;21;14 | Oh, this is interesting. She's taken a turn on this. You know, there's.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;57;22;00 | 08;57;58;02 | A couple of things happened to me as I became a parent. One is becoming a parent grounded me in the reality of who my mom was. Like, When you're a kid, you believe that your parents are superhero shows. Like they can do no wrong. They know everything. They are the most amazing people in the world. And for me, I had to like, recognize certain things like my mom, like one mom was 17 when she gave birth to me, like my age today, she already had a 20 year old like like my kids are eight, seven, two and one.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;57;59;02 | 08;58;29;19 | And so, like, understanding that she was a kid raised and she didn't know. Yeah, literally did not know. And not only was she kid raising kids, she only live with her mom, too. She was 16 and living with her mom. Her mom grew up in an era where women could only get jobs that were homemaking and housekeeping like very limited her.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;58;29;23 | 08;58;52;26 | Her father or stepfather have like a third grade education, and she was forced to do a lot of things right. Like, so I was thinking about she made us I would eat vegetables was one thing that popped up. This is going to sound really ridiculous, but I just started looking at the side of these cans and nutritional facts as I had a kid and I was like, Why am I making my kids epi?
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;58;52;26 | 08;58;54;13 | There's nothing nutrition. It'd be.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 08;58;55;05 | 08;58;56;20 | Like, and they don't taste.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;58;57;10 | 08;59;35;29 | Or green bean like. So I'm saying all this, this is I begin to recognize who my mom was and what she was capable of. And also that my mom actually was one of the most hardworking, thoughtful people that I ever met. My mom wanted the world for me, and I only know that now. And I had to recognize the trauma that she had gone through in in determining what she would be or what she could be with her parents and how that how she put that on me as well.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 08;59;36;05 | 09;00;02;00 | And so I that's so I was trying to say that becoming a parent has taught me that you have to give your parents grace that 95% of the time they did the best they could. They did the best with what they had, they did the best with where they came from, what they what they could do emotionally, physically, financially, like like most parents did.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 09;00;02;00 | 09;00;26;07 | And it's hard not to like your children, to love your children, I would say. And so I said all I'd say is that I think we all have trauma, that there was no parent guidebook, there was no this is how you do X, Y, Z, that we all had to figure it out. And as humans we are three dimensional and there's so much about us and we are so flawed.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 09;00;26;24 | 09;00;33;11 | And if your parent got away without sharing any of those flaws with you, they weren't there. Well, it's just another plot, though.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 09;00;34;06 | 09;00;34;22 | Right?
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 09;00;34;24 | 09;00;40;22 | Right. Oh, so yeah. So everybody should have trauma guys and be okay with that. You have trauma.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 09;00;41;22 | 09;01;15;00 | Yeah. And I really love this point you're making around. I mean, because the overcorrection, I think, is in response to what most of us perceive as our parents flaws and gaps. But I think once we can, once we start, forgive them, give a little bit of grace like that, they did the best with what they had. Like, I think that can help a lot, whether just you you like the trauma response aspect of things like.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 09;01;16;01 | 09;01;40;03 | And then the other point that I always tell you is like I'm like, we turned out pretty dang good. It's like you got to do a lot to really mess this thing up. You know, you got to do a whole lot. So I think even giving extending that grace up, you know, to ourselves in not having perfection and opportunity here and we I black girl flag, I think that could go.
 |  |  | 
Unknown | 09;01;40;03 | 09;01;40;25 | A long way.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 1 | 09;01;45;14 | 09;01;49;20 | He's all right, y'all. Till next time. I'm Marie.
 |  |  | 
Speaker 2 | 09;01;49;29 | 09;01;51;00 | And I'm Shannon Dixon.