Black Girl Fly: Embrace Purpose + Build Wealth
Black Girl Fly: Embrace Purpose + Build Wealth
Spilling The Tea
Ava and Tashaunda spilled the tea on where they are in their relationships. They discuss feeling unprotected due to not being married, single parenthood being hard, and leaning into Christian beliefs. The sisters dive into seeing your partner in their mess and the importance of being someone’s emergency contact.
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Website: www.blackgirlflyofficial.com
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00:22 Introductions
00:50 Entering into new seasons
07:45 Ava agrees with Tashaunda's partner
11:15 Single life being easy
14:35 Where does your relationship stand now?
19:05 The next phase of growing together
23:28 Outros
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Speaker 1 | 05;15;45;28 | 05;15;51;04 | Welcome back to another episode of Black Girl Fly. I'm Your Girl a Memory. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;15;51;10 | 05;15;52;15 | And I'm Shadow Dixon. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;15;53;22 | 05;16;39;04 | And today we have a very, very important topic that I think many of us have struggled with. But today we want to help you break down some of those barriers that you might have, and that's holding you back. And so the topic today we're going to be talking about is really about those internalized expectations that perhaps we carried with us since we were young or, you know, that we picked up along the way that we continued to hold for ourselves as we continue blossoming into adulthood and what our really sort of a prison cell is really holding us back from our full potential. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;16;39;21 | 05;16;48;16 | So that's a topic to Shonda. Do you have like hearing me introduce that? Do you have any thoughts, ideas of anything that came to mind? | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;16;49;16 | 05;17;19;29 | Question That I have, I'll start off with is where do we get these concepts from? Like, I look back at my childhood and I and I think about I don't think that even some of the, I guess, expectations that I ask myself, I don't think my mom I only came from my school, I only came from my I'm really trying to figure out how I personally created all these expectation. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;17;20;09 | 05;17;43;02 | And like, if I, if I put all that to it and if I realized that there are probably a, an accumulation of a bunch of different things, then they have got to be unrealistic because that means that I've also never seen anyone, you know, meet all of these, you know, jumbled up, you know, brought together expectations either. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;17;44;09 | 05;17;53;06 | What are some of the ones that you have? Because I'm like, I'm trying to think of some of mine, but I also feel like I'm like sort of a rebel. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;17;53;06 | 05;18;17;26 | Is well, yeah, well, so myself, I think there's this concept of like being I'd say being in shape that's like I'm like, I am overweight. I need to be in shape and in shape. To me, like, it's not enough. And so I'm like, I look a certain way. Like it's not just about losing pounds to be healthy. It's that I think that I look a certain way. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;18;18;04 | 05;18;47;26 | I think that I need to be attentive to my children at all times. I need to be involved in their school stuff. I need to spend quality time, not TV time, with my kids. I need to be the best at my job. I need to be an available, loving partner in my relationship. Like, I go past the board and. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;18;48;06 | 05;18;52;15 | Like, all those things are good. Like real. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;18;52;16 | 05;19;17;23 | Quick. Like like, like the problem I think is, is that all of them do sound good, and they all sound like you should be doing them where I'm going. Can they all really be done at once, though? But because we have the meeting, I feel like the problem that you run into is you're going to be failing at something at all times, then yeah. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;19;18;10 | 05;19;25;28 | So I'm the type of person where I have very limited bandwidth. Mm hmm. Any and know that about myself. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;19;26;05 | 05;19;29;03 | And my religion and all that. So we have the more you know. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;19;30;03 | 05;19;50;20 | You have or the like. So I, I don't know when I was like, hey, my twenties, like I felt like I did a lot more than I do now, but I yeah, I think I've always felt like I, I can't multitask like I need to only do a few things at a time because that's all I can handle. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;19;51;10 | 05;19;59;07 | And sometimes. Right, like, I mean, most of my life, adult life that has looked like I don't prioritize relationships. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;19;59;07 | 05;19;59;16 | Because. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;20;00;18 | 05;20;01;22 | I don't have the bandwidth. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;20;03;04 | 05;20;18;19 | Here for that when I didn't have a relationship. I can tell you that in that relationship, I don't have kids in my career. I would consider my career like. But I was at the gym twice a day. You barely even stop cause I was trying to stay there like, I concentrate on that. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;20;19;04 | 05;20;42;18 | But when you, you know, you get more responsibilities like other demands you had to do prioritize certain other things, right? So, I mean, I feel like that. I mean, I feel like that is a true reality, but I don't necessarily think that that's a bad thing to, like have cycles of like what's important and what you prioritize. I really don't see anything wrong. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;20;42;18 | 05;21;02;04 | What do you feel like when you're looking in the mirror? Like, I challenge you? What do you do when like, for me, those things creep up. Like something was very real for me is what I did out of here. But how I maintain my home. At a point in time I was like, okay, I need to fix this. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;21;02;04 | 05;21;23;04 | So I concentrated on it and I get better at that. Whatever. Well, with my career busyness feet or my parenting or my relationship, things peaked. I let that one go. And so what I'm dealing with daily in my head that I don't know if you guys deal with this at all, but I'm going I got to do better in my head like I'm not I'm never good enough. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;21;23;04 | 05;21;40;14 | Bye. I'm missing this and this and this is a this. And so my mind is always glassy that I see it a little real on Instagram the other day. And it was like like a woman was folding her laundry and the screen was filled with words, and it was supposed to be her thought process. Why she's folding laundry. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;21;40;14 | 05;21;56;20 | It was like, Do I make, you know, kids help me watch the soccer trip next week? Oh, did I pay that light bill? Did I buy all of this? So you you're looking at her, and I feel like I go do this all the time. You're looking at are you just holding hope when in her head she's running through the checklist. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;21;56;20 | 05;22;10;25 | She's saying, I need to be doing this. In the meantime, by the way, she is not present in her situation because all these things are and that's what I that's what I feel in a constant loop. Does that make sense? | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;22;11;27 | 05;22;18;00 | Yeah. Like as I share you describing it, I'm just like, your life is running you and you're not. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;22;18;00 | 05;22;19;20 | Running your life, right? | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;22;20;12 | 05;22;46;15 | Just watch this. I just watch this Netflix series called Oh, they may actually know what it's called, but like How to get Rich. I think it might be the title or something like that. But it's a financial it's like a financial literacy is what I'm going to say. I'm like very elementary, but it's like very interesting. And he has a concept. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;22;46;15 | 05;23;05;26 | And this concept I think has been like coming out quite a bit over the last few years, but about like designing your life. And I know we've talked about that before, but he calls it like my rich life. And rich not necessarily meaning the amount of money that you have, the like, how you spend your resources, meaning your time, your energy and your money. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;23;05;27 | 05;23;33;27 | Write all of those things. Because if you're working all the time to make a lot of money, that's not a very rich life. You're not able to enjoy it. You know, you get the point. But like, what is your dream life? And that is yours, not anybody else's to decide. And so you have to be able to measure yourself against the measure of your own goals. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;23;33;27 | 05;23;50;11 | And if you're not doing that, then I think you're unsuccessful. But like I bet you some of the stuff on your list and you don't need to be doing it, you probably just have told you so you should be doing right. You know how I feel about. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;23;51;04 | 05;23;52;03 | Laundry. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;23;53;06 | 05;24;10;27 | Floundering in house chores? Well, no, unfortunately, I do that now. That's another story. So what is the biggest? Why is it time to me? Do you guess? What is the time? I don't know. I feel like I'm getting this off topic, but I think. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;24;11;20 | 05;24;13;25 | Internalized expectation, that's where we were at. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;24;14;22 | 05;24;16;10 | Yeah, but like. So what. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;24;16;10 | 05;24;17;00 | Are you. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;24;17;09 | 05;24;23;10 | What are your true expectations of yourself versus the ones you've internalized? | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;24;24;27 | 05;24;44;08 | Honestly, I think that I still have all you can have and stuff, and I think I still have all of those expectations. I just think that I need to lower where I set that bar of what it means to be good. But what it means to actually be a present partner without having to, you know, have date night every week. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;24;44;08 | 05;25;10;28 | Right. What it means to be a great mother, understanding that sometimes my kids don't watch Cocomelon. I'm just like those kinds of things. Like, I think it's not about changing their expectations. I mean, I should be healthy. I should be a good mom. I should be proud that I should be. I should be all those things. But I think the level of expectation sometimes is too high of what that be, how it's carried out, what that looks like. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;25;10;28 | 05;25;17;19 | Even like that. You're not a terrible mom. Your kids eat ramen noodles once a week. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;25;19;11 | 05;25;51;02 | That makes sense. And as it is, I also I wanted to ask you about the concept of like going hard in an area now so you can work less on it later, right? Like, I feel like that, you know, I don't think that really well, maybe it actually does apply to parenthood like you see a lot of moms taking off of work for their kids first few years before they go to school. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;25;51;02 | 05;25;54;18 | Right. And then they can, you know, take their foot off the gas. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;25;54;18 | 05;26;20;11 | Yeah, I mean, you have a little bit more frugality after me go on. From having an older kids, even old like 6 to 8 years old. For me, having babies, I didn't realize why I should say that. I didn't acknowledge before I was making that transition that my babies would require me to be at home because of all the independence that my bigger girls did actually take on, of being able to dress themselves, being able to wash themselves. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;26;20;11 | 05;26;35;08 | Because I did do that right up front. I thought that if I spent time thinking about how you are, just how you brush your teeth isn't value in life. And that did alleviate some of the later needs. Like now I have to be there while they brush your teeth. I know that they can do that. They can do it right. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;26;35;17 | 05;26;57;09 | I'll even it right now. Teaching them how to wash dishes or how to, you know, fold their own clothes. And so that does help. Do you? I would say that my relationship to my life, I think that we had some fundamental years where we were like, this is what I need from you. This is how we need to communicate in order to get there. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;26;57;14 | 05;27;02;21 | And now all that communication is necessary or, or, you know, those types of things. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;27;04;12 | 05;27;13;21 | Yeah. So that is those are both great examples. But I'm like with that logic, I feel like this really shouldn't be a challenge for us. Like, well, I. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;27;13;21 | 05;27;25;16 | Think it's about what you said earlier about prioritizing what's important now and where that bar is for that expectation. Now and being intentional. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;27;25;27 | 05;27;28;21 | So like the big picture. Yeah, yeah. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;27;28;29 | 05;27;31;05 | Yeah, yeah. Okay. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;27;31;26 | 05;28;01;16 | Okay. So I mean, that requires us not, you know, in our life is not running us separate like that. We are taking a more big, proactive strategic approach to our life and we're saying, hey, over the next two years we're prioritizing this D prioritize these other things. And I think the other piece of it is for the things that have been prioritized, what's the plan or those things, right? | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;28;01;16 | 05;28;17;08 | Like, okay, I'm going be going hard at work. I don't have time for domestic duties, make a plan for that upfront. Do just like you've planned to go hard in an area. How are the other things still going to be accomplished if you are not going to be doing them? | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;28;17;17 | 05;28;19;05 | So it was good. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;28;19;05 | 05;28;20;14 | I like I like it. I like. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;28;20;14 | 05;28;21;29 | It slow. I think the. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;28;21;29 | 05;28;22;22 | Key is. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;28;23;19 | 05;28;31;08 | That you should have some expectations, right? Identifying that bar and then everything else that able just there. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;28;33;00 | 05;28;51;20 | But Oh man. So I mean it sounds very simple when we say it, but I think in actuality it's a lot harder talking about course. But I want you to try that though, because I know this is something that you're thinking about like an hour away. So, like, try it and let us know how those do. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;28;51;22 | 05;28;53;04 | I will also. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;28;53;04 | 05;28;57;13 | All right. And until next time, y'all, I am you girls and Nicole. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 2 | 05;28;57;13 | 05;28;59;06 | And I'm Channel Dixon, and we are. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
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Speaker 1 | 05;28;59;06 | 05;29;00;05 | Black girl flag. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |