Out Earn Your Man

On this episode of BFG, Ava and Tashaunda dive into the dynamics of relationships and financial expectations, specifically addressing the challenges faced when women out-earn men. The discussion highlights the balance between career ambitions, relationship expectations, and traditional gender roles. The episode stresses the importance of understanding personal motivations and how they shift over different life phases.

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1:07 Gender Roles Perceptions

5:48 Job Interfering With Relationship Health

8:50 Gender Roles Being Reversed

16:36 Partner Uncomfortable With You Making More

21:10 Career Goals

24:55 Different Motivations

27:54 Final Thoughts 

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Chapters

• 1:07 Gender Roles Perceptions
• 5:48 Job Interfering With Relationship Health
• 8:50 Gender Roles Being Reversed
• 16:36 Partner Uncomfortable With You Making More
• 21:10 Career Goals
• 24:55 Different Motivations
• 27:54 Final Thoughts

Transcript

Speaker 1 | 10;15;58;03 | 10;16;26;22 | Welcome to another episode of Black Rock. I'm your Girl, Eva marie. And I'm Sandra Dixon. And today we are talking about women in health care. I don't have to. Well, actually, let me tell you about it. I got something to say on this topic, but my sister was telling me about a recent experience that was just like, Oh, we need to talk about this on the podcast because health care is out of control.
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Speaker 1 | 10;16;27;04 | 10;16;51;02 | Well, not only is it out of control, but I feel like we've got this time where doctors, they just don't get the care and that's nice, but that's me being busy. But no, like I feel like when we when we grew up by doctors are way more caring and they wanted to see you heal and they were more tied to their jobs.
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Speaker 1 | 10;16;51;20 | 10;17;21;16 | I just don't think that there's the same amount of care consideration, compassion, empathy that we had years back. I'm like, What the heck happened to me? I don't know. I have a few, like, close friends who are in the medical field, and honestly, they tell me about their experience and it sounds traumatizing for them. But okay, so everybody thought this what's going on?
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Speaker 1 | 10;17;21;25 | 10;17;46;13 | So. So how so? Like, like, how are they traumatized? Because and this out there, I'm like. So, first of all, I feel like they signed up for the medical profession. Yeah. So I can tell you. Yeah, I'll go ahead. I will say you knew what the job was. And and it's really sad for me to hear that because I also feel like they are actually better positioned than people coming to them.
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Speaker 1 | 10;17;46;13 | 10;18;10;11 | Right? Like, if you're going to a medical professional, you have a need that you can't solve on your own that you are seeking professional attention for. That may be I mean, you're the uncomfortable one. The medical professional should not be uncomfortable ventral in this. But sadly, I think the reality is that they are making it very uncomfortable for the practitioners.
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Speaker 1 | 10;18;10;12 | 10;18;44;29 | So. So, yeah, let's talk about your first point. I think our society glamorizes what it means to be a doctor in the medical field. Like a lot we've had, think about all the medical shows that were on when we were kids, like why we have all these medical TV shows? First of all, they don't make sense. But second of all is it's no, but like, that is actually a tactic to get people to want to go into the field that is specifically designed as a recruitment strategy.
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Speaker 1 | 10;18;45;24 | 10;19;10;14 | I can see that. Okay. Okay. And so if you're watching the right ones, I would want to go in there, prepare. Right. So there in some ways as you watch it. But I think it's that the salary looks really sexy. Right. And for one of my really good friends, she was driven to the field because of like, impact.
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Speaker 1 | 10;19;10;25 | 10;19;44;12 | Like, she grew up in a community that was underserved and like, she really wanted to be the change. And like, that position gave her hope that she would be able to give back and what she found, though, through her experience is that they made it really hard for her, specifically as a black woman in the field. Like, there are so many things that are working against you, but also just generally like the type of sleep schedule people are on residency, how much they pay you.
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Speaker 1 | 10;19;44;12 | 10;20;13;10 | You can't even make enough to live like the conditions that are there. Like it really is a hazing and the hazing goes on for so many years and then they just turn around, expect you not to have any trauma from the experience that you just undergone for, you know, 12 years like. So I think that the the matriculation cycle and just the way that they've set up the pipeline.
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Speaker 1 | 10;20;15;02 | 10;20;38;17 | There's no I am not surprised that it doesn't burst. Fruit like and flowers and birds bitter people because they're in hell and they haven't slept in 12 years. They worked really hard. They have a like they've been away from their family, like they've had to postpone their lives and like. Why do you think that. That people would be happy?
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Speaker 1 | 10;20;38;17 | 10;21;10;03 | Go lucky to serve you after all that? Yeah, well, it's funny, though, because I'm hearing you say that, though. I'm thinking, like all of those things were administrative decisions. Right? So the sucky part in this equation, though, is that we talk about the people being serviced and we've talked about the people who matriculate to be provide those services, but the people who set that context with those people to provide the service don't have anything to do with any of these audiences here, which is interesting.
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Speaker 1 | 10;21;10;29 | 10;21;38;05 | Yeah, And I think I mean, I heard one of my friends, you told me that is actually the more senior doctors, Right. It really kind of hazing. Yeah. And so sometimes it's them reinforcing the bad things that were done to them by the administration that we're talking about. So they they become part of the system, too, which is not good either.
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Speaker 1 | 10;21;38;13 | 10;22;05;22 | So like, you also become part of the problem. And then on the nurses side, I have a good friend who works the night shift like you, not your body is not even meant to work nights. Yeah, especially now women. And so doing that three days in a row or like doing that four times a week, like what kind of end?
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Speaker 1 | 10;22;05;22 | 10;22;25;05 | She's been hit. She's been spit on at work like all this craziness, not to mention Covi. Like, I'm not even going to go there, but I think is hard on those people. I have a lot of empathy for those people only because I know people who had that experience and have shared only a little bit of what they've gone through.
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Speaker 1 | 10;22;25;09 | 10;22;59;06 | Well, I mean, I get I get that experience, though. But at some point, I think it a reminder, though, about the people that they're servicing and that the people that they're servicing didn't do these things them like like how did bring that up? How do we make that real? Because I do agree that those are pressures. But if it comes at the if it comes at the expense of the people that they're supposed to be servicing, I think there's a there's a line that says you no longer need to be in this profession.
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Speaker 1 | 10;22;59;06 | 10;23;28;04 | Right. That that if the if this changed your desire to service and help the people who need you, somebody to walk away. I think it's a lot easier said than done right after investing all those years, all that time. Right. I think it's you have a specialized skill set that doesn't transfer well to any other field. Yeah, I think it's I think in theory it makes sense.
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Speaker 1 | 10;23;28;10 | 10;23;50;17 | But I also want to go back to your point about like, it's kind of like the system reinforcing all of this bad news, but we also can't discount why are we using these health care services in the first place, Like our model is so reactive and like we really don't in this country have a really preventative model that exists.
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Speaker 1 | 10;23;50;17 | 10;24;21;19 | And so the way that it is all situated in the first place, where you're actually coming because this is your last resort now that's already putting a level of pressure on the situation that's already pretty fragile right? And so I'm saying all this to I'm saying all this in my realizing I don't know if we're gonna come to a solution, but in this conversation, because this persistent problem, not only is it the symptoms, but I do think it's important.
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Speaker 1 | 10;24;21;19 | 10;24;56;26 | What you just said, though, is that, you know, and also in order to be proactive, we actually don't need the doctors. So what mindframe what mindset are individuals going to the doctor with? And maybe that is also impactful to the overall treatment of individuals in that space, right? So if I'm a person who I know I'm diabetic, but I put the sugar down and I let the doctor because they tell me they cut off my foot, you know, that must also be draining to that progression to those people or that progression.
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Speaker 1 | 10;24;57;22 | 10;25;25;16 | Yeah, I think there's a level of individual responsibility that we have to have in that. I can tell you from personal experience, it's so easy to shirk our responsibility on taking care of ourselves. Like to not work out. Every day is so easy to work out. Every day is so hard. Yeah, yeah. But you're right. They're should require there.
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Speaker 1 | 10;25;26;07 | 10;25;51;17 | But it's that everyday decision that we're making for ourselves that's putting us in the hospital. Yeah, I actually, I went to Elevation yesterday and parts of it was like it'd be much more amazing if the bad things were instead if it happened, like if you ate a cookie and you automatically saw like, an ad, you'd be like, I like that cookie.
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Speaker 1 | 10;25;51;29 | 10;26;23;01 | But the fact that everything is like, prolonged or like it takes an extended period of time to really make an impact has allowed us to continually make bad decisions without it really correlating the fact that this is the end result of just poor decision. Oh yeah, that's so yeah. And it's so good. Yeah. Because then we, we at the hospital getting our foot cut out and you know, forgot about the time.
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Speaker 1 | 10;26;23;02 | 10;26;51;04 | Yeah. Yeah. But you in the meeting everyone that sort of thing. Yeah. So I met Cookie two years ago. Know that could be more two years, right. It says every day for two years. But yeah, but I mean I think. Oh and I'm like oh sighing because, like, this is something I'm trying to actively reprogram my mind right now about.
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Speaker 1 | 10;26;51;04 | 10;27;16;19 | This is literally so, ah, inheritance. And I think about us growing up like nobody was exercising. No, no, no. What's going on? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We are poor. So I moved this all. My sister. I was 16. I signed every day of I to walk to the city. Bless you. Right. Oh. Oh. So it was embedded in our lives.
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Speaker 1 | 10;27;16;29 | 10;27;40;04 | But I was thinking. I was thinking about the adults, though, like, because now I have to, like, I got to put it in my schedule to go work out. And by the way, it's normal. So. So I do think that you touched on something because it's normal not to be activity in our culture, right? So when you say, I want to go work out, that's like an additive thing to the people around you.
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Speaker 1 | 10;27;40;11 | 10;28;07;21 | Right. Right. It's not like everybody should be working out for some period of the day culturally that normal to do that is not at all. Yeah, I went I went to a conference in Ohio a few weeks ago and I was talking to this lady. We were talking pickleball. She has like, no, that literally it was a comment about Jamie Foxx that kicked it all up, wasn't it?
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Speaker 1 | 10;28;07;26 | 10;28;30;05 | They said, you know, all that it came out of nowhere. They said that he was so right after he got sick or whatever happened to Jamie Foxx's, they said that he was out playing pickleball and it was on the Breakfast Club. They like, what is pickleball? Listen, I've just been hearing about pickleball this year, but apparently it's become a national craze over the last several years.
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Speaker 1 | 10;28;31;17 | 10;28;52;28 | Yes. And they already have champions and stuff like I'm like, okay, anyway, that's besides what I got to talk about. That's outside pickleball. But it is. I'm about to go take two pickleball lessons. Farooq I feel like I'm out of the loop. But anyways, I'm at this conference and she's, we're at a conference, mind you like out of state at a conference.
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Speaker 1 | 10;28;53;12 | 10;29;21;09 | She had like some family with her. She's like, Yeah, we're going to go play pickleball. They play pickleball every night for like 3 hours as a family while they had a conference out of state. Okay, But I didn't know where her culture was. Maybe Asian specific Pacific Island or something like that, But but I'm just like, it is just like, that's just what her family does.
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Speaker 1 | 10;29;21;09 | 10;29;44;08 | Like, it's not like they're going to work out. They're just going to spend quality time as a family. And it is a physical activity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and even my partner, like, we talk, he does he play tennis as a child like his whole life and he would just go play tennis with his family Like that is what everyone we didn't do any of that.
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Speaker 1 | 10;29;44;18 | 10;30;05;09 | And we, I did what I do better. Where did I do that? But I'm just like, it is like it has to become like that, though. Like it has to become a part of your lifestyle. And it can't just be like, I have to go to the gym because the decision not to go to the gym is so easy.
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Speaker 1 | 10;30;05;16 | 10;30;32;16 | Yeah, yeah. But it has to be like a part of the culture that you're creating within your family, within your friends circle, what have you. Where like it is, it's tied to fun, is tied to quality. Time is tied to the things that you already enjoy doing anyways. Oh, that's kind of about what That while I get that topic but that preventive care.
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Speaker 1 | 10;30;33;03 | 10;30;59;22 | Preventative care because my whole point is that we shouldn't be showing up at the hospital anyway. Well, while it's too late, you got to get your foot cut off. That was about 40. Okay, got it. So but yeah, I'm completely outside because I just don't close it out there. Any final words you have for the people? You want a little out, but it makes them you get you get you know, we always bring you back.
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Speaker 1 | 10;31;01;22 | 10;31;33;13 | Any final reflections. I was thinking about health care. The one thing that you know, the lesson that I've learned over all of these years we've had family in hospital is just like advocating for yourself in learning for yourself. The system is so complicated and convoluted for absolutely no reason and I don't even think half the people in it understand it.
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Speaker 1 | 10;31;33;28 | 10;31;58;01 | But you really do have to go the extra mile when your care, the people that you love, their care is at risk. You cannot rely on the people to tell you, Yeah, I think that's good. But I would also say that think about your own power in it too. So like the conversation about working out or doing things, do what you can do beforehand.
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Speaker 1 | 10;31;58;01 | 10;32;18;10 | One of the things that's been really interesting to me about the Internet is I've learned a lot of follow up on that, a lot of natural remedies. And so there's stuff that you can do. Don't just depend on a medical professional to take control of your life like like see what you can do to be a part of the solution and just complain about what's there to pay.
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Speaker 1 | 10;32;19;19 | 10;41;10;11 | I love it. All right. You'll be a part of the solution. Snap my fingers until next time. I'm your girl every morning. And I'm sorry, Dixon. And we are black girl Flag. Oh. Welcome back to another episode of Black Girl Fly. I'm your girl a marine. And I'm Shadow Dixon. And today we are back, ready to talk about a new topic.
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Speaker 1 | 10;41;11;20 | 10;41;37;26 | So is there anything wrong without earning your man 002 my to her. And let me just tell you this, don't we? Just because we don't agree, I. I don't know that we don't agree. I think that I didn't agree. I do. I do think that it's impactful to the relationship. I'll say that. Oh come, come let it go.
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Speaker 1 | 10;41;38;10 | 10;42;12;26 | Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, just in general, I don't know that men's ego can really take their woman out of and it's so interesting. So I think that there is something that is inherent in men that believe that I need to provide for my significant others. What makes it challenging in a relationship and I'm thinking about it. I have out armed the majority of the men I've dated in my lifetime.
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Speaker 1 | 10;42;16;08 | 10;42;47;25 | If I let me think about that. I think I did until I was intentional about it. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. Okay. So what changed that dynamic? What made you be Maybe. And that's not all the way true, but like, I remember there being an intentionality about it and it was like hundred percent. But when I wasn't being intentional about it, it was probably more like 80, 20, 80.
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Speaker 1 | 10;42;47;25 | 10;43;11;22 | Me making more 20% may not make it. So what changed? I mean, I think I just got older and I've always, since I was younger, like when I was in college, I would tell people I was studying engineering and I would tell my colleagues, like, I want to just work from home. I just want to be a stay at home mom like.
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Speaker 1 | 10;43;12;05 | 10;43;40;15 | So it was just a great public building year. And like, I just I wanted that for so long. But I think I the scenario makes perfect sense to me now. Like I'm in engineering because I like to be challenged. I want to do something that's hard for me, right? Like that is never going to change. But I also was very clear, like I want to be at home or at least available, have the flexibility for my kids.
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Speaker 1 | 10;43;40;15 | 10;44;06;04 | And this was before remote work and all that stuff was the thing. I was very clear on that. And so I think as I got older, the intentionality around, Well, how are you going to make this a reality if you're going to be out on maternity leave? You want to live a sort of lifestyle like what, one and two is not adding up to three, you know, So it wasn't really about our journey.
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Speaker 1 | 10;44;06;04 | 10;44;27;03 | It was like, where do I want to be? And what does that mean? My partner is kind of more of how you get to that space. Yeah, for me, I think that's how it came about. It's not just arbitrarily the man needs to earn more, but those are the things I think you say probably are very true around men's ego and things like that.
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Speaker 1 | 10;44;27;03 | 10;44;55;18 | I just didn't come to it from that standpoint. I think I've always wanted to have these more traditional female roles, which meant that the man has to do the more masculine roles. We can't be both doing the same roles. And so going with this conversation now is that is hard. And I think it's hard, you know, So you hear all the time, especially with black women, you'll hear, Oh, successful black women are always single.
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Speaker 1 | 10;44;55;29 | 10;45;30;03 | And all those things that I do feel like that is because you have to in order to be successful in a career, you have to function with this masculine energy, right? And then to be able to change or translate that when you get home to be different is difficult. And so I wonder if that's a portion of why it is hard for men to have women who outearn that because they can't justify women changing that masculine position.
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Speaker 1 | 10;45;30;25 | 10;45;47;28 | Does that make sense? You know what? I'm going with that. What do you mean? Like because they are still like white men. You're really now your man can't come to you and say you need to change your behavior, which is making you profit off. Go at work to be different when you're at home and you can't. All of you.
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Speaker 1 | 10;45;49;16 | 10;46;11;20 | Yeah. I think men who are making more money have no problem saying that though. Yeah, I think they have no problem saying that at all. But yeah, I don't know. This is a very interesting dynamic. I'm a little bit stuck because I don't know. I don't know. I haven't been in like a real serious relationship where this was the dynamic at play.
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Speaker 1 | 10;46;12;01 | 10;46;39;14 | Yeah. So I'm a little I'm a little stuck it for me though. I remember he never listen to this podcast about it and they're like, There was a time in my career where I was working and my partner was like, he'd make like, little comments. Like he'd be like, Yeah, your job is your boyfriend. Well, say my commute to my boyfriend or and he even got mad at me.
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Speaker 1 | 10;46;39;14 | 10;47;07;24 | So at one point in my career, I was working really late hours and it interfered with something that he was doing and he was like, You put your job before you put me up. And that was a real problem in our relationship. That was like and I was like, Oh yeah. And having to figure out do I mean, I had to put in the hours in my mind to make it to that next level in my career.
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Speaker 1 | 10;47;08;14 | 10;47;30;17 | And I can't say that. I think that that was a correlation to my ability to excel in my career, that I was available that I did in that extra time, but at the expense of why was the question right. Yeah, that's so interesting because I actually have the same complaints about the men, you know, that I've been in relationships.
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Speaker 1 | 10;47;30;25 | 10;47;56;23 | That's my biggest complaint is actually about how much time is spent at work. But, you know, it's a little contradictory. When my expectation is right, something is wrong. I provide all this grow in your career, bring me back to this chick so I can stay at home. But yeah, my boy, he did an all nighter last night and you were talking about that earlier.
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Speaker 1 | 10;47;56;24 | 10;48;20;13 | You like people who boost their movement? Still does that. But you know what happened? I woke up in the middle of the night, like, so worried, like, Oh, my gosh, where is he? Like, is he not in the bed? So, I mean, I think that happens actually on both sides, but maybe for different reasons, because I'm wondering if ultimately the the solution is around balance.
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Speaker 1 | 10;48;21;00 | 10;48;48;15 | I'm like, that's what it logically seems. But but I'm in a case right now where I work a lot and he works a lot. We don't have kids. And I'm like, okay, you can get away with it now. But still the relationship suffers because we've prioritized both of our works. But when kids come into play and other responsibilities come into play that I'm going to lose, yeah, somebody has to shift.
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Speaker 1 | 10;48;48;15 | 10;49;23;00 | I don't want to. I wouldn't say Lou, I didn't lose that priority. That was previously a priority and a different scenario is what I'm saying. Yeah, I do think you have to rebalance, but I wonder if, at least for me, the the benchmark is is wrong. Right? Because we're not balanced, in my opinion. And so I wonder if you just go from imbalance to imbalance to imbalance like if that's the problem rather than just like, you know, the roles being reversed being the true issue.
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Speaker 1 | 10;49;23;12 | 10;49;44;07 | Yeah. Yeah. So, okay, I wonder like now into that roles being reversed being the true issue. So we were talking before and I know you meant like, like you started to say, I feel like you started to say that you do think that in my opinion, you're about to say that a man should make more money. Is that right?
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Speaker 1 | 10;49;44;07 | 10;50;25;05 | Is that what you were going deeper? Me, I think more money. I think the man needs to make enough money to take care of the both of you. And I think it depends on what kind of lifestyle you want. You can put as many zeros on that figure as you need to. And so when I think about myself making more like if we're dependent upon my income and I know I'm not going to be working while I'm, you know, on maternity leave or whatever for an extended period of time, it's not wise for us to have set up this, like brittle reliance on my income.
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Speaker 1 | 10;50;25;05 | 10;50;50;28 | If we know we're not going to have it, we know that that's not going to be our base. I let our base be something that we're both comfortable with and the money that I was making was a bonus because we're not normally going to have that right. So I just say the like that in the case that you made more money, but you still want to go on maternity leave, what would you do?
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Speaker 1 | 10;50;50;29 | 10;51;22;04 | Like like, is that a world that you think you could exist in or me? I think I'm actually going to go part time, but I've been literally over the last four years working on this, like creating a situation where I'll be able to go part time and still make, you know, to me a level of contribution that would help us sustain the type of lifestyle that we want to sustain.
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Speaker 1 | 10;51;23;06 | 10;51;45;14 | And so that's been something I've been working on. I think that the answer to this is going to be different for everyone, like it just depends on your scenario. But you see, I know you try to get it as a job, but this is generally how I feel, like I'm not going tell nobody how to live their life and I'm not going to judge how you chosen to live your life.
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Speaker 1 | 10;51;46;11 | 10;52;05;17 | And nobody is living their one wild and wondrous life. And you do it the way that you want to. I'm not asking you to say that, though, but I want to know if this is a choice. Also, one thing I think that you said that is really helpful and I think we need to be cognizant of is you're setting up your own life, right?
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Speaker 1 | 10;52;05;17 | 10;52;24;24 | So even if you do decide to make more money, I never I can honestly say sitting here today having this conversation. I never thought about that in the context of what be making more money would be far away. I just I just did like I was like my career is what I want to do and this is where I want to get to.
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Speaker 1 | 10;52;24;28 | 10;52;46;24 | And I didn't think about it, but bringing it back to my partner like, what happens if I make more money? What goes on and whether I wanted to committed or not. Those things were really true to my relationship. Like they impacted my relationship, whether I had the foresight or not to think about it. And so as a part of my decision to do so, does that make sense?
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Speaker 1 | 10;52;46;29 | 10;53;06;04 | So I'm like, I'm going to get to choose what I'm saying. I do think you have to be conscious of your choices. It's not my desire to make more than my partner. I think that's just what you want me to say, that is what I believe. That's not my desire. With all of those other factors in play as well.
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Speaker 1 | 10;53;07;18 | 10;53;25;13 | And the thing that I will say is that I have frank conversations as to how much actually do I need to make in this relationship as my partner, that how much do I need to make? And that is what I will make. I can guarantee you an answer I'm going to give you. He didn't, but he's thinking about it.
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Speaker 1 | 10;53;25;13 | 10;53;53;19 | So we've got to map out. We've got to map out the plan and how much is going to cost us. And we know how much he makes and how much he wants to make. So I just need to make the difference with my part time career. And I'm like, I will work with that. Wow. So that's interesting. I just I don't know a single man that would say like, I know if I ask my partner that my partner would say, You work and he's your choice.
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Speaker 1 | 10;53;54;02 | 10;54;22;28 | Like, and the reality is, is if I need to make more, I'll just go make more or we need to reduce our lifestyle. But that would be like, I can't see a man saying you need to make $50,000. But yeah, I mean, you know, we both have very we have some very wild goals like owning wineries and owning planes type of thing.
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Speaker 1 | 10;54;22;28 | 10;54;52;16 | And so I think there's a lot to want all of these grand things and expect one person to make that happen. I think that's unfair. We are in a partnership, right? Like and we will spend lots of money in these areas that are important to us. And so I want to say all of that. And so I think it's important for me to contribute something, but I don't think that I need to contribute at the level that he will.
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Speaker 1 | 10;54;53;17 | 10;55;15;20 | We are also very capable people. And so the other factor that I throw in is like he's interested in making more money in different avenues and I'm all about supporting that. I have a lot of skills that complement his, and so if it means me paving the way for to make more money, I'm absolutely down with that too.
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Speaker 1 | 10;55;17;13 | 10;55;38;17 | But it's us together who's going to get these big dreams. I don't think it's going to be one person or the other thing is important for at least I don't know. My partner say he would say, Oh, well, I think that's a lot. Yeah. I don't know. I don't I don't think I think that was very optimistic of him to say that.
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Speaker 1 | 10;55;38;20 | 10;55;59;16 | I asked him where he wants to retire. He's like, was that? He never thought about that. I said, So what are you you're saving for retirement? When are you going to retire? He's never he does not think he's going to stop working ever in life. Retirement is just like he just doing it because you have to like and for the tax benefits.
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Speaker 1 | 10;56;00;12 | 10;56;27;09 | And I'm just like, that's who he is. He's going to work forever. And I mean, I'm not willing to work since I was 30 years old. So there before that you said that you're going to retire at 30 with you were like 22. So I've been planning this entire for a very long battle. But I'm still I still late, but I'm like, I know that I will work at something, but I just don't want the dependents of my work.
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Speaker 1 | 10;56;27;13 | 10;56;47;14 | I'm more of a free spirit. I want to do the things that I want to do, and I go make $1,000,000 today with tomorrow and I want to do it. You know, don't rely on, let's say, million tomorrow. If I don't feel like it. Yeah, yeah. So I think mine is more like a bonus, but also like I'm motivated by specific goals.
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Speaker 1 | 10;56;47;14 | 10;57;14;00 | So if there's something that we're working towards, like I'm, you know, let's work together towards that. But in terms of maintaining our lifestyle, I feel like you're your one partner should be able to do that. Yeah, yeah, I see that. So I'm thinking about where I wanted to go, though. I did want to share. I don't know if anyone else is struggling with this.
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Speaker 1 | 10;57;14;00 | 10;57;36;25 | Like, like I struggle with this is I do think that my partner has had a problem with me making more money than him, but he would never say it. How do you think that that has his like his. All right. You say has a problem. What does that look like? Yeah. So how about him in the past, I guess, to your question.
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Speaker 1 | 10;57;37;01 | 10;58;10;17 | So, yeah, like everything we do, we've been together now for over eight years. We have four children together. We still don't like really good finance together now, like when I ask him things like and he knows that I spend my money, he's like, What do you want to do? Start the verses. Like when it's his money or whatever, He'd just be like, We do this.
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Speaker 1 | 10;58;11;04 | 10;58;42;06 | Like, does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. I've been listening to a lot of Rumi say the I don't know if you have now, he got a new Netflix show and he's got a podcast going on, but he talks to couples specifically about finances. And I love that because there is no other platform that's doing that. And he's pulled out a number of these things that trans He's probably interviewed maybe 100 couples by now.
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Speaker 1 | 10;58;42;06 | 10;59;06;13 | And in his show there are like four or five couples and one single person, but advances in a couple. So I'm saying all that to say. One of the dynamics that he has called out is that actually a lot of women nowadays make more than their partners in that it has created a dynamic in the relationship that is unhealthy.
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Speaker 1 | 10;59;07;01 | 10;59;37;14 | There is one episode the man was making $2,000 a month. The woman was making $200,000. And so you can just imagine, like the magnification of the differences in a scenario like that. But then there's other couples where a woman is making $10,000 more, but in her mind is such a big deal. And so even that $10,000 is still creating this dynamic in the relationship.
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Speaker 1 | 10;59;38;15 | 11;00;07;09 | And so I recommend that to all. If you I haven't looked into it, but the other piece of that is like, would you ever allow the opposite to be true? What I wrote. Wow. What's the answer? If he didn't ever make more money than he ever made today, would you let him make more? Would I let him make more money more than you?
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Speaker 1 | 11;00;07;27 | 11;00;34;06 | Yes, I would. Absolutely. So to you that saying you would live off whatever money that he makes today? Absolutely I would. Why don't you do that? Because I like my job like it for. Me For me, it's not like, well, money for me is not about I mean, like work for me, it's not about money I make necessarily.
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Speaker 1 | 11;00;34;22 | 11;00;56;27 | It's one do we have enough to live off of? And I think our lifestyle could fluctuate. I was actually lucky that my spending or whatever I come from very recently, that I've increased my lifestyle substantially compared to what it was two years ago or one year ago or whatever. And I was like, Why do I do this? This was, you know, whatever anyway.
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Speaker 1 | 11;00;57;03 | 11;01;18;13 | But so to me, it's never been about like, I have to make more or I have to do this for me. My happiness in my career has just slayed it, that I make more money. And I do. Of course, I want to make sure that I'm paid fairly and so I'm not going to allow people to underpay me.
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Speaker 1 | 11;01;18;21 | 11;01;46;13 | But I'm also not like, Oh, I have to pay this number. I'm more like, I want to do this thing and I want to make sure I can meet my family's needs. But I can see, I can see a world for you that looks completely different, that also would fulfill you in ways that I've heard you talk about before, that is not you having that job, but you able you carry a lot of mommy guilt.
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Speaker 1 | 11;01;46;16 | 11;02;17;00 | Like when I'm talking to you. I get that so I can see a world in which you're able to spend more time with your kids like you've always expressed, wanting to be a teacher, like spending time teaching your kids and then like volunteering in the community, working with me. Like, okay, so I'm like, I can see a world in which you could have the same or greater level of happiness, but that wouldn't come with the dollar figure.
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Speaker 1 | 11;02;17;01 | 11;02;47;13 | Maybe not right away. Yeah, with the job. And I'm like, Yeah, I disagree. It's true. Quite, quite honestly, I think that this position that I'm in career wise is temporary, and I think I'll had this conversation with you before. But I'm at a really interesting space where I, I've over the last 2 to 3 years, I've kind of changed my career field in a way that is tangentially related, related.
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Speaker 1 | 11;02;47;19 | 11;03;17;29 | So I've like the opportunities that I've had over the last two years. Specifically, I've been pregnant, so I've had right in my ability to do it to the website, like do it. But I really do just enjoy this experience and I want to get good at this experience. I don't know that I have another career goal in the sense that I've I've had this, that and once I feel like I've mastered it, I think I could walk away with no problem and do something completely different.
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Speaker 1 | 11;03;18;17 | 11;03;58;10 | I Do you think it'll be too late? Your kids are your kids are only going to be little for so long. So we have another five years with the new set. But no, and I don't think I don't think that I'm that far out, if I'm being honest, being pregnant over the last two years of two years prior to this year, I didn't get the experience, the totality of the position that I took on, even though I took on the job right before when I literally changed jobs like the month before I went on maternity leave.
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Speaker 1 | 11;03;59;14 | 11;04;36;19 | And so and then right, I have another kid. So I was pregnant four months after that again. And so I don't think that I got the experience, the full extent of what the job is in that time frame. And over the last 6 to 9 months, it's the first time that I've actually been able to actualize the job and understand the the totality of the responsibilities to get to the point where I can see this is the skills that I need to affect the things my life is, you know, is what it is.
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Speaker 1 | 11;04;37;14 | 11;05;02;07 | Interesting. This kind of situation is very interesting for my personal self injury story that we have. We are so far off. The actual target is not as I think that it does say something to. I even think that women's and men's motives are very different. Right, Right. But like I heard your partner say, though, what I think what he was.
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Speaker 1 | 11;05;02;07 | 11;05;29;24 | Do you get mad at him? You get mad at him because he was like, I needed to get this promotion before I made a poor choice for my future family. Yeah. Whereas like in my example, my motivation wasn't at all about, like, right, right. My career motives are like, how can I work as little as possible and make as much as possible working the least as possible so that I can spend more time with the kids?
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Speaker 1 | 11;05;30;00 | 11;05;51;29 | Yeah, he is like, How can I make as much money as possible? And I think it's low key. He doesn't think about how much time that requires of him also, because he is a very generous person at this time to people other than me. But yeah, I think he's got that like financial piece in the forefront for you.
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Speaker 1 | 11;05;51;29 | 11;06;16;11 | It's like you want a skill upskilling in like development in your personal and professional life. And for me I was like, that time is really one of my like levers that I look at really critically. Yeah. So I think that was sort of interesting. I would challenge people to unpack like what's their lever at work, that they really are motivated by?
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Speaker 1 | 11;06;16;15 | 11;06;54;07 | Yeah, your money motivation, because I'm like, mine is definitely time. I get so pissed when people misuse my time and I get so pissed when I'm not able or people take away my ability to do my job. Yeah, yeah, I can see that. But yeah, yeah. So like, so yeah. So there's unpacking that I think will help people a lot and then maybe even unpacking it in your relationship to know kind of how that's showing up in I don't know how to bring this general piece back in, but I don't know.
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Speaker 1 | 11;06;54;07 | 11;07;17;01 | What would you say about that? What would you say your partner's style is? So the motivation. Yeah, I think he will do whatever it takes to meet our needs now. But the funny thing about that is that because I have met our needs for so long, he was in like, he's like, We're good, so I don't have to do much.
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Speaker 1 | 11;07;18;06 | 11;07;40;25 | And it was interesting. Yeah. And so and so funny because recently I think that the dynamics was changed and he was like, I need to do more. And now he's doing something that's insane to me, but he's doing it because he has, he has his goal of meeting his family's needs. So yeah, that's interesting. So I'm curious to what this next chapter of your life looks like.
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Speaker 1 | 11;07;40;29 | 11;08;06;18 | No more motivations, I guess. I guess what ideas I want to share with you. Outline a setup set up for. Yeah. Anything else for the people and stuff though? I don't know that we answered the question though, but. And when we meet more than men, I think we kind of came of a roundabout way to say that women's motivations are different women as it is.
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Speaker 1 | 11;08;06;18 | 11;08;28;18 | I think that. Check your motivation. I think that's good. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's something about checking your motivations. And I think what was coming up in the last part of the conversation is like, it depends on the phase of life, right? Like you're talking about this, your motivation is going to phase out at a point and you're going to pivot it right to something else.
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Speaker 1 | 11;08;28;28 | 11;08;48;23 | And so you all have to adjust based on your motivation at the time and space that you all are in. And so I think that's what I'm taking away. All right. All right, y'all. Until next time, I'm your girl, Marie. And I'm Shannon Dixon. And we are black girl Flag.